Fighting Self-doubts................................................

I did my long run yesterday. Well, seven miles,(remember, I am tapering now) and I did it in around seventy minutes. I think it is great, and I felt good running it. In spite of this, for over half the distance, I kept having these thoughts of failure. How strange is this since, I have no doubt that I will finish the race distance and have no set time goal in which to finish it in. This morning, it occured to me that these thoughts were akin to what I used to put myself through when I was taking a test in college. I was an obsessive over-studier, and would beat myself up for days afterwards when I would miss one or two questions.

Why do I put myself through this?

It isn't to make myself try harder, I already give things my all. On Dr. 90210 the other night, (Okay! Laugh all you want, watching this show is one of my weaknesses.) Dr. Ray was going for his black belt in Marshall Arts, and he had to break two bricks with his hands. (In case you missed the significance of this...... He is a surgeon, his hands are his livelyhood.) As he was preparing to do this, he too was having self-doubts, and was talking about how his father was emotionally abusive telling him he would amount to nothing. As he broke the bricks, he said he pictured his father and as he was successful felt an overwhelming sense of freedom. I know my parent' death have left me with abandonment issues. (As irrational as this is.... They did not die on purpose, and still.......) The foster family I was sent to after my parent's death was a less than ideal place. (But I always make sure and let it be known that they were willing to take all four of us so at least we were able to stay together.) A place where I felt neither loved or cared for. The treatment we received, probably has much to do with my wobbly self-esteem, but I am a firm believer that now that I am an adult I can no longer blalme childhood mis-treatment on current behaviors.

Maybe I will never come up with a good reason for being so hard on myself. Probably, even if I did, I would still practise the behavior. So........ I will just chalk yesterday's self-doubt talk up to pre-race jitters. The next time they creep up to my consiousness, I will remind myself that I am ready. I have trained well, and continue to do so. I am working diligently to keep my stess levels low, and my family is really pitching in to help with this one. I am eating the best I have ever eaten. (Thanks to Lent, I have been eating only raw foods. Now that race day is drawing near, I have added consumption of quality grains and lean protein. My body is soooooo happy not having to deal with junk/high fat foods, and believe it or not mouth hasn't been complaining too much...... When I lay off the processed high sugar foods, mouth is completely content with fresh fruit for it's sugar fix.)

Having done all of this, there is nothing more to do except to relax and enjoy the experience. Did I tell you the race is an all women race? Thirty-five hundred women ran it last year. WOW! I AM GOING TO BE ONE OF THEM THIS YEAR! (Do you think I'll get lost in the crowd?) I have never ran an all women's race before, but have read that it is a totally awesome thing to experience. I will probably get all emotional, as I teared up just writing the last few sentences. As you have probably already guessed, you will hear all about the race and my experiences regarding it after March twenty-sixth. Aren't you excited?