Thursday, March 26, 2009

Light and love......................................

Earlier this week I had to take one of my resident's for a post hip surgery visit to the surgeon's office. I take her as her family moved to another state for employment but with her dementia deemed it better to leave her in a familiar environment until they are sure of their plans. I explained this to the surgeons office, that it wasn't as simple as making an appointment, and I would need to mail the info paperwork to the son and he would fill it out and return it to them. The only thing the person on the phone could focus on was that my resident needed to get into the doctor for her checkup yesterday.

Of course she and I arrived at the appointment, and upon going to the window and explaining (again) why I didn't have the paperwork with me (and God forbid, the all important insurance card. The numbers just aren't acceptable) I was told that without the paperwork she would not be able to be seen today and we would have to make another appointment.

I was not mean or aggressive, I did not yell or make any funny faces. I calmly told this woman that yes they were going to see my resident today and if not I would not be bringing her back. The girl started in again about policy, blah, blah, and I interrupted to ask what she would like me to do? Of course she didn't have a clue so she had to go get another person to tell me that answer.

This woman was far worse than the first one and began berating me for coming in without the paperwork. I calmly told her that the best I could do was give her the son's number and she needed to figure out how to get the info from him. After giving her the number I went and had a seat. A few moments later I heard girl number one saying, You can speak to her in a moment, first I need this information." At that point I went back up to the window so that I would be ready to take the phone. Girl number two in on fire by this time and lashes out at me that I would just need to be patient. I replied (in my sweetest voice possible) that I was not aware of being impatient with anyone, and she spat back at me, "Well you are!" Dumping a bit more syrup on my voice I replied, "I'm so sorry. I hope you can forgive me." She said nothing so I ask for her forgiveness twice more until she finally granted it to me. Then I ask if she would like me to go sit down until the son was ready to speak to me. She mumbled no so I stayed there. Then it occurred to me that I had a great opportunity for a little love experiment.

As I stood there I kept repeating to myself (but directing the words to her soul), "light and love, light and love, light and love." Outwardly she didn't change one bit, but after I talked with the son (who was upset because he had barely time to fill out the papers let alone return them. Knowing they were listening I calmly told him, "_____, we are doing the best we can to take care of your mom. I explained the issue of you being in another state, and you and I can only do what we can do. It is not your fault that much of the information was lost in your mother's head. You can only know what you know. If she is seen today, fine, if she is not seen today she will still be fine and that is our only concern.") I handed the phone back at the end of our conversation and ask girl number two if there was anything else she needed from me. She smiled at least a full half smile and said, "No." And then added, "Thank you for your help." It was all I could do not to snap my head around to see where the ventriloquist was hiding. Those words could not have come out of her mouth!

But of course they could because I bypassed her ego and saluted her soul and that was who was answering me at the end of the conversation. Made me smile for some time after the encounter.

Of course it did not keep me from discussing the behavior of the office staff with the surgeon. I told him that I had much respect for his work and I thought he was not only nice but kinda cute, but I would never come and see him if I needed surgeon after what I had just been through since I deal with him for about five minutes and the rest of the staff the remainder of my visit.

Since I did not speak with anger or nastiness, he took my feelings seriously. After we discussed my patient and he found out my background and we had a little bonding moment over a person he did surgery on and I saw for home care, he again reiterated that we would talk to the staff and explain how he would like things handled.

At the end of the visit he told me he would like to see her again in six weeks, glanced at my resident, and changed it to eight weeks. I think he got a glimmer of how difficult it is for her to go out and have to deal with a different environment and strangers. I told him that I would bring her back unless she was on hospice care (which she probably will be) and in that case I would not be bringing her back. He told me he understood and thanked me for letting him know. How hard was that human to human exchange? NOT!

What about you guys? Any horror stories along this vein that you would like to share?

Monday, March 23, 2009

Does this mean I am a square?.............................

I went rug shopping yesterday, first to Sam's Club and then to Wall mart. I ended up finding the perfect rugs for my laundry/work-out/work room (otherwise known as stage two of the basement re-do). Then I found new rugs for my kitchen. I have to be careful about throw rugs with the OPs, but they are not allowed in the kitchen and so I get to have them there. The other rugs were a couple of years old and looked like it. Anyway, I found some reasonably priced rugs that I really liked and when I got up to the check out discovered that they were half price so I went back and got two more. This morning, as I was pouring my coffee and admiring my new rugs it occurred to me that the pattern was squares (I have never been a floral person, and fruit in the kitchen has never appealed to me either), just like the new pillows (I purchased for the new paint job in the living room) have a square pattern. Do you think this is the start of a geometric stage or am I simply a square? Regardless, I like them and they make me feel happy and contented.

So, in my work-out room (my) Mister made me a board that holds all of my free weights. For whatever reason I only had one 1 pounder and one 4 pounder. I am sure that I used them for a client and never got them back, and I really can't see me using the 1 pounders but the display wouldn't be complete without them. We went to get some of that rubber flooring that they use in gyms and I found one 4 pound weight but they didn't have a match. I could have used two different colored ones but yes, I AM that anal about those kind of things. They had these blue ones that had most of the rubber coating "chewed" off (his word not mine) and I figured I could remove the rest of it and have a matching pair. So I ask the salesperson how much of a discount he would give me for taking them off his hands? He said 50%. I countered with 75% since I would be spending money in his store that day ("enough actually that you should give them to me for free but I understand why you cannot do that" was the full sentence). He ask me how much and when I told him I was getting three containers of flooring at $49.95 each he gave me the (originally $8.00) weights 75% off. I still felt like I had gotten a deal which just goes to show that we can make ourselves believe anything we want to. When I got home, I was admiring all my free weights lined up in order of size when I noticed that I don't have any 6 pounders. How can that be? It is too much of a jump to go from 5 to 8 (I THINK I can live without 7 pounders) so now I won't feel complete until I add those to my collection. And of course I can't start my new program until I have the room finished and everything complete because, well, just because. But when I do there will be no more excuses!

One question (and I know you know the answer to this Maria) and then I must go start my day. Is is too early to start seeds inside? I found this little plastic greenhouse a few years ago ridiculously cheap and I have always been going to grow my own plants from seeds. This year I have actually purchased the seeds, pots and started dirt which is farther than I ever got in years gone by. Now I just need to know when to start the seeds. We really can't set things out for good until mid-late May, maybe early June in my area without danger of a late season frost. If I plant them now (which is what I want to do) will they wither away in my greenhouse before I can put them in the ground?

Well, that was actually two questions, but if anyone can help me out with the answers I would greatly appreciate it.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Goodbye blister............................

I removed the dead skin (old blister) from my foot two nights ago (it healed nicely) so I decided it was time to post, however short, to get the pic off the top of my blog. I also get that as much as I love wounds not everyone gets into them and having that be the first thing people see might be a bit off-setting.

I feel like the last two weeks have been another marathon. I have been doing home care for long enough now that the patients I first saw are getting sick and going back on caseload. Of course they want me to come back and work with them (I am that good:)!) and of course I can't say no to them so I have had double the people I normally see. That will end next week and with luck so will the yucky weather so I can pick my training back up in above freezing temperatures. That will be nice.

The next step of our basement remodel is about finished and it is time to purge the final room and get started on turning it into a media room. Does anyone need a good double bed mattress? I have decided that I don't need to store it for several more years and if I ever completely close the business I can sell the four Temperpedic twin beds and buy a new mattress to set up a guest room. I also have to make a decision about all the Tupperware and crap like that I have that I use once or twice a year and am tired of storing. I totally know that if I get rid of it I will be upset at some point in time, but it takes up so much space. One would think I could improvise with something else, and I am really hoping that my desire to reduce my material possessions will win out over my desire to own the perfect cooking tools. Or non-cooking tool. Do you know how many things are sold to prepare raw foods (blender, juicer, food processor, dehydrator, mandolin, just to name a few).

Hope all is well with you. I have not had much time to check blogs and see how everyone is doing, but know I think of you often. Take good care.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Race update......................................................

This is a little souvenir that I brought home from my 26.2

I first noticed it somewhere around mile six or eight and when I changed my clothes to head to the airport (in the hotel bathroom since we couldn't get a late check out) I decided it was a good idea just to leave on the shoes since I could walk on it okay. When we went through security and I had to take off my shoes I didn't see any blood on my sock so I opted to look and was sweetly rewarded with that yucky looking thing. It was intact, remains so, and is reabsorbing nicely so no harm no foul. I always loose a toenail (I think I might loose two this time) but never a blister like this and I am totally blaming it on Asics for not making my shoe any longer and having to go up to their "improved" version of that. I will adjust.

But the race was great! I started out so strong from all the winter training and finished my first ten miles in two hours, and sixteen miles in about three in a half hours. That is a really good time for me. About an hour and a half into the race it started to rain and did so for the next few hours. Again, because of the conditions I had been training in the rain and wind didn't bother me a bit. Who would have thought sub-zero conditions could be a blessing?

After mile sixteen things get a little blurry for me. The race was an out and back course and I kept waiting for the turn around. Waiting and waiting. Finally I saw the end of the road! Only to find out that the course turned and then went into this park thing and around a lake. I will admit it, I broke down a little at that point. The poor boy at the water station. "Would you like a drink?" Teary eyed me, "No thanks, I just need a moment." So on I trudged, gave myself a little pep talk and kept going. When I emerged from the park I knew I was close to mile 20 and I had this vision of the movie the Wizard of Oz when they run out of the poppy fields and can see the Emerald city in the far distance. This vision gave me some stamina back and I was able to pick up my pace for a bit.

Around mile 22 the bowl issues began (which is one mile later than the last marathon) and this slowed me down for the next couple of miles. The last two miles I have no excuse... I was just tired and moved slow. But moved I did and finished the race in just over six hours. Since coming home I have not had a chance to look up my official time so I can't share. I still knocked a good 15 minutes off my first marathon time and am very proud of that fact.

The day after the marathon I had planned to take off and lay around. As it turned out I ended up working (outside the house) a 12 hour day. I am sure some of my PT patients thought I was the one in need of therapy as I could hardly walk, but in retrospect I am sure the day did me good and by yesterday I was walking normal and all the soreness was gone.

And I am already thinking about my next one!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Prayer/Positive thoughts anyone?.............................

With the 26 (.2) mile race fast approaching I thought I would find out if anyone would like me to run a mile for them?

Just let me know if you have a prayer request, as specific or vague as you like, or if you just want me to send you love and positive vibes for one of my miles.

The race is March 1, 2009, so let me know before then.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I am blessed..................................

It is always good to follow a complaining post with a gratitude post, and the last week I am encountered things that make me extremely grateful for my health. I am having an impossible time putting myself in the shoes of the people I am about to share about...

Nancy is a blogger friend that discovered a love of running in spite of it being painful for her almost from the beginning. She recently found out that her body has betrayed her with some funky OVER flexibility thing. In her own words:

I am so damn freakishly flexible that my bones rattle around in the joints and just bang the $hit out of each other. To the point of injury. This injury is usually caused by tackling or falling down, but some people that are really flexible can get it from repetitive motion.

The reality is I really am a Nonrunner. My body was never made for running. I have too much flexibility, not enough control and my bones are beating up on each other simply from running.

I can remember the freak-out I had at the thought of missing one race when I fractured my wrist. I can't imagine how I would feel being told I had to hang up my running shoes in order to save my bones.

Last night I was with a woman who has ALS. While I was visiting she received a return phone call about getting a machine that would talk for her once the time comes that her muscles deteriorate to the point that she is no longer able speak on her own. Imagine dealing with that notion. How does one even begin to get their mind around the fact that your muscles will slowly deteriorate until you are paralyzed, one body part at a time? And, as of yet their is no cure, nothing one can do to prevent it from happening.

My last example is about a woman who was diagnosed with breast cancer just before Christmas. She has already had surgery to remove the mass and is in the middle of chemo treatments. Yesterday she went to the area cancer center for a "make over." She was expecting a talk about makeup and being pampered with someone doing her makeup for her. What happen was she got (a very beneficial) talk about how to prevent infection when applying makeup because once on Chemo one has no ability what so ever to fight infections of any kind. In addition to the lecture she got the (dis) pleasure of sitting by two very scared, very angry women. One of them was there for her second go round with cancer and felt the need to tell everyone around her that "just when you think you are cured it comes back."

So here is this woman, full of hope and feeling in control of her personal situation, thinking that she is going in to be pampered and get her mind off her disease for a while, to instead have the full reality of it smashed in her face. What would you do? I imagine the least I would do is to tell the woman to shut the ___ up. This woman said she wanted to tell those woman that dealing with cancer was not the worst thing in the world. How did she know that? Because several years ago she lost a child and losing a child is far worse than losing a breast, and/or fighting for your own life. She went on to say that she chose to be quiet out of respect for their feelings. That folks is a fine example of grace!

So what do I do? I run. I run to help myself buy into the idea that I can outrun my family history of cancer, stroke, and heart attack. I run to convince myself that it is possible to live life as a healthy old person instead of a frail old person. I run because it relieves my stress and they say that stress is the number one cause of disease.

I run.

Because I can.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Confessions of a rotten wife......................................

Most people send out Christmas cards and often an update of what is happening in their family. Years ago I started sending a Valentines letter instead as it is my favorite holiday and I figured all my friends/family could use a little mid-winter cheer.

Several days back I set down and wrote my portion of our family letter. As my children have grown they have taken over writing their own updates.

In my letter I talked about my business changes, my running, and the changes in our pet population. It was at the point that I was re-reading for errors that I realized I had no mention of (my) Mister in the letter. OMG! Do I really like my cat Fred better than I like my husband? Wasn't I just kidding the time or two that I mentioned this notion?

That is the good thing about letter writing on a computer. It is really easy to insert and/or change paragraphs. What would the world think of me for putting my cat before my husband? Can't have that now can we? So, after backing up a couple of paragraphs, this is what I came up with for (my) Mister's recap:

_______ has had a fairly boring year, no big trips to build boats or fabulous camping trips. He goes to work and comes home to hang out with us. I am hopeful that he is able to cultivate some interest and activities this coming year that will lend some excitement to next years letter.

No wait a minute. He did have to have a hernia repair, that was scheduled two weeks before Christmas. We finally got ceiling lights in our living room (after twenty years of sitting in semi-darkness) and decided to paint the living room the weekend before surgery. Then six out of seven of us got the flu beginning that Friday. And we had a resident Christmas party the weekend after surgery. I think it was a full two weeks after we started painting before we finally finished the project. But it turned out nice and _____ managed to heal in spite of his rigorous schedule.

Next week we will celebrate nine years of marriage and this is the best I can do? What's worse, is that this is the best I think he could do if I ask him to write his own recap.

What I have concluded from this is that I am mad at him, and it is all ego. I am mad at him because I perceive that he has not grown in the time we have been together. He is stable as a rock, as consistent in his behaviors as the sun coming up in the morning. Who could want more than that?

The thing is I don't want these things for myself, but for him. Who am I to insist that someone else do something? Over the years, when I have made plans for him to go and or do something he has joyfully done so and reported having a good time yet if I don't make plans he does nothing. When I met him it was in a class that he was taking for fun and enjoyment. He bowled on a bowling league and rode his bike at least five days a week. He went to dinner with friends and read books. Why should it matter to me that now all he does is go to work and help with the business? Maybe that is truly has what he wants out of life and because that would never be enough for me I somehow think that he needs to want more as well.

Being totally honest (from my perspective) I think the real issue here is we are in a power struggle. He is W-A-Y over the business in his home and I continue to insist that it is a good thing not only because of the income, but because of the opportunity it allows us to help others. (my) Mister has never came right out and ask if we could close down the business, but when we talk about his lack of outside activities he in insistive that he can't do anything because of the business. Then, of course, I have to point out all of the things that I manage to do in addition to the business and (of course) he looks at me as if to say, "See. That's my point. I'm sitting here taking care of things so that you can go do all the other things you want to do." Since he doesn't ever say that, maybe it is also all in my head. My head goes on to rationalize that I might as well do things and leave him behind because the times that I do make a conscious attempt to be around so he can go do other things nothing happens on his part. Me at my most defensive!

So the plan now is to make sure (my) Mister reads this post and then give him the option of leaving the V letter as is or writing up his own version. Anniversaries are a great time to make renewed commitments and take stock of how things are going. Maybe this coming year will be the one in which I am able to allow things to unfold without so much interference from my ego. I have been working under the premise that I am usually right for so many years (with tons of agreement from others) that this is going to take a lot of conscious focus. But a girl can learn, and a girl can grow. Maybe a boy will want to too.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

I am not the victim of the world I see.............................

The Course in Miracles is a system set up with a daily lesson for each day of the year. After December 31 you start over with lesson one. Last year I did a poor to fair job of keeping up with the daily lessons. It is a desire to do a better job this year.

Today's lesson is the title of this post, I am not the victim of the world I see. When I was reading it it called to mind the pouting, temper tantrums that I have been having over the past two days.

I have been TOTALLY feeling victimized by the snow (of all things).

I actually looked out the window yesterday morning, stomped my foot, and wailed. For the last two days I refused to shovel the driveway (the OCDer in me still had to do the walk and the area of the drive into the house). My childish excuse: "There is no where to put the snow anymore. It can just sit there until it melts." Like I was going to hurt its feelings, or punish it somehow by letting it set there!

Thursday I went for my scheduled 8 mile run. It was somewhere around 8 degrees, the roads were snow covered and it was windy. About an hour into the run my leg muscles started to ache. Not from the run, but from the cold. They could not get warmed up enough to work properly. Did I take responsibility for being crazy for running in low temperatures? Nope. I blamed it on mother nature. Doesn't she know that I have already signed up for the marathon and bought the non-refundable tickets to fly to Tampa in a month? How can she get in my way by having winter this week? Don't I play the victim quite well?

So today, I have a 16 mile run planned. I have wised up that most of it needs to be inside because I really will be screwed if I pull something because my muscles can't warm up in the cold. Currently the temp is -4 with the wind chill. They are thinking it might get to 28 by 4 this afternoon which would be plenty warm to run outside, but if I wait until them I will be running in the dark by the time I complete the full 16. The plan is to try and sneak into the school track to do the biggest share, do a short portion outside, and finish up on the dreaded treadmill.

Hopefully, as I practice today's lesson, "I am not the victim of the world I see" I will be able to complete the run with some dignity, and gratitude, and turn it into an adventure rather than simply another reason to bitch about how bad I have things.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Race update.......................

I don't have much time but I am sure you are all holding your breath waiting for the results of my winter run so here it is.

In a (three words) IT WAS FABULOUS!

As we were getting ready to start the race director said the course this year was "treacherous" and his recommendation was if anyone was doubtful about finishing it they sit it out this year and stay and have a beer instead. I thought to myself, "since you don't drink beer you might as well give it a shot" so out the door we went.

It snowed the entire time and was totally and completely pitch black except for the small area my headlight lite up. About twenty minutes into the run I had fallen into last place and was having a good time slip sliding down the road. And then I hit the trail... They had said it was knee deep in parts, but for a shorty like me it was more like mid-thigh deep. No way could I perform my pseudo running so I relaxed and walked through those parts.

Needless to say in these conditions one tired out rather quickly. I began to explore the notion of not finishing the fifteen miles. But you know what? Try as I may I could not talk myself into giving up. The guys following me ask once and I told them I just wanted to know how much farther. One nice fellow must have been psychic because he said "about two miles." In my mind, anyone can run two miles so that was all I needed to keep going (I think at the time it was more like three but he "knew" what I needed to hear).

So I kept going, the guys kept checking on me, and I victoriously crossed the finish line at 4:53:10.

Afterwards, the race director commented on the fact that anyone that finished that race could consider they had ran a marathon. So that is what we are going to do on March first, in Tampa. Not sure what the weather will be there, but I doubt they will have as much snow.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

I have been training again. Next weekend we (my youngest and I) are planning to do a 15 mile trail race that begins at six in the evening. Last year it was about eight degrees out when the race started. If the fifteen miles go well we are going to do the full 26.2 in Tampa (where it will be MUCH warmer than eight degrees I hope) on March first.

Today there are plans for an eleven mile run. I am very grateful that we only got a few inches of snow rather than the massive amounts predicted. Now if the wind cooperates it will be a good time.

I mention the running because some of my best ever ideas form into consciousness during my long runs. It is either that what they say about exercise endorphins is correct, or simply that besides sleeping, my runs are the only times when someone isn't interrupting my thoughts every few minutes needing something from me.

But anyway, a day or so ago, around mile four or five, the question came into my mind as to whether or not I was happily married. As I pondered this notion I decided that no I was not happily married. I was much more than that. (Had you scared for a minute didn't I?)

I am not happily married because I determined years ago (and discussed the fact) that my partner was not responsible for my happiness. That was my job. And I have reached a place of personal happiness even when things are not necessarily running smoothly. Happiness is a choice of how I perceive events as they pass through my life. It really is that simple.

Back to my marriage... Out there on the cold snow covered roads I decided that I was contentedly married. A few posts ago on her blog Maria had a question about dating services on the web, and in that context wrote:

And while I will never use it, being happily married and all that (well, lately...okay..we have been treading water, but the vibe will return, it always does)...

That sums up perfectly my idea of being contentedly married. Are there days when I want to strangle/stab/suffocate (and that is just the S words that came to mind) (my) Mister? Sometimes it seems like weeks on end that the man irritates the _____ out of me. We could communicate (W-A-Y) better about certain things. I would give most anything if he listened to what I was saying rather than what I was saying (and you guys out there don't worry; I know that that last sentence won't make any sense to you). But even on our worst days together I have no thoughts of wanting to be in a different relationship. To a great degree this goes back to the notion that my happiness is not my partners responsibility. As I ride the wave of emotions that are part of any relationship I am in charge of how I view things. Maybe it was (my) Mister that didn't do something I ask him to do, but it is up to me to decide if it means the sky is falling or the world is ending. If I determine it is then it becomes my responsibility to fix and or change my perception of the problem and move forward in the relationship.

That sounds pretty great on paper. I guess we will just have to wait and see how I do the next time (my) Mister commits an infraction. Wish me luck!

Monday, January 05, 2009

My tragic first love.........................

Maria suggest it would get all of our creative juices flowing to share stories of our first love(s). Not sure how creative the old story will be re-hashed. Some of you might already know the tales about to be shared, and others of you might just get a kick of out reading about it and/or possibly (what I am truly hoping for) be jolted back into a memory or two of your own. That is what Maria did for me and why I decided to share with you all. Thanks Maria!

The story of my first love goes all the way back to 1974, when I was a junior in high school. Like many kids today, our "going out" really amounted to us walking the halls, holding hands between classes. We had one group date, a treasure hunt, and he took me to my junior prom. What an innocent, bliss filled night I remember that to be.

A week or so before school got out for the year I was allowed (No, allowed is no where near a Strong enough word for use with the authority figures I lived with) to go out to the movies with him. Arriving back to my driveway a few minutes before curfew we spent the time doing some exploring kissing (no lower than the neck) and I went in for the night. I might not be today, but back then I was a true innocent. When I went inside I was "inspected" apparently, because my brother-in-law (the father figure in my life at the time) noted that one of my buttons on the back of my blouse was unbuttoned and I had a hickey on my neck that was so small that one either needed to be looking for one or use a magnifying glass to discover it. That man was liable to do both if need be. Having mashed passionately enough to give and receive hickeys since that night I know it was a fluke as barely any suction occurred during our few minutes of making out.

Long story short I was grounded until the end of the school year, and when I went back to school in the fall my first love was dating another girl. By Christmas vacation senior year they were pregnant and he and I never talked about our brief relationship, or the connection that was established between us.

Fast forward to our five year class reunion. I went over to say hi and ask to see his kids pictures (He had three by this time. That's a lot of responsibility). As he showed me the snap shot he remarked, "They were suppose to be yours you know?" Even if one happens to want to agree with him, what does a girl say to that kind of thing? I honestly can't remember if I said anything at all. I know I was flattered, and I also knew that there was stuff that we still needed to hash over. A few minutes later I went back to my friends and went home that evening with my husband and conceived my second child.

Ten year class reunion this time. I had grown up enough that I decided it was time to put an ending to our relationship. I was also divorced. Did I want the guy back, now that I was single? Not a chance. I just wanted to put some kind of closure on what we did share because, at the time, that was the way I functioned. Control was really important to me and unfinished business (even perceived unfinished business) got in the way of that control.

I will admit that I looked pretty darn hot that night. I had on this dress that had fringe all of the way down it (like a roaring twenties flapper dress) and EVERYONE was talking about it. Regardless of how I looked I behaved like a perfect lady. We shared one dance in which I ask him if we might get together sometime and talk about the ending of our relationship. He had had a little to drink and told me that he didn't trust himself to be alone with me. I told him that was ridiculous I trusted me enough for the both of us. He then shared that he had had an affair and refused to put himself in that situation again. Since he continued to have feelings for me he would be tempted. Enough said. The song ended, he went outside and I never saw him again.

He didn't attend our fifteen year class reunion and for some reason I have been dropped from the guest list ever since then.

All these years later, I know that the very fact that we have led separate lives is plenty of closure. I no longer feel the need to talk things over with him. He was important, I wish him well, and occasionally pray that he is at peace and happy.

Still, if he called he up and invited me to have coffee I'd do it in a heart beat.

Difference is now, I am not holding my breath at the thought.

I consider that progress.