Most people send out Christmas cards and often an update of what is happening in their family. Years ago I started sending a Valentines letter instead as it is my favorite holiday and I figured all my friends/family could use a little mid-winter cheer.
Several days back I set down and wrote my portion of our family letter. As my children have grown they have taken over writing their own updates.
In my letter I talked about my business changes, my running, and the changes in our pet population. It was at the point that I was re-reading for errors that I realized I had no mention of (my) Mister in the letter. OMG! Do I really like my cat Fred better than I like my husband? Wasn't I just kidding the time or two that I mentioned this notion?
That is the good thing about letter writing on a computer. It is really easy to insert and/or change paragraphs. What would the world think of me for putting my cat before my husband? Can't have that now can we? So, after backing up a couple of paragraphs, this is what I came up with for (my) Mister's recap:
_______ has had a fairly boring year, no big trips to build boats or fabulous camping trips. He goes to work and comes home to hang out with us. I am hopeful that he is able to cultivate some interest and activities this coming year that will lend some excitement to next years letter.
No wait a minute. He did have to have a hernia repair, that was scheduled two weeks before Christmas. We finally got ceiling lights in our living room (after twenty years of sitting in semi-darkness) and decided to paint the living room the weekend before surgery. Then six out of seven of us got the flu beginning that Friday. And we had a resident Christmas party the weekend after surgery. I think it was a full two weeks after we started painting before we finally finished the project. But it turned out nice and _____ managed to heal in spite of his rigorous schedule.
Next week we will celebrate nine years of marriage and this is the best I can do? What's worse, is that this is the best I think he could do if I ask him to write his own recap.
What I have concluded from this is that I am mad at him, and it is all ego. I am mad at him because I perceive that he has not grown in the time we have been together. He is stable as a rock, as consistent in his behaviors as the sun coming up in the morning. Who could want more than that?
The thing is I don't want these things for myself, but for him. Who am I to insist that someone else do something? Over the years, when I have made plans for him to go and or do something he has joyfully done so and reported having a good time yet if I don't make plans he does nothing. When I met him it was in a class that he was taking for fun and enjoyment. He bowled on a bowling league and rode his bike at least five days a week. He went to dinner with friends and read books. Why should it matter to me that now all he does is go to work and help with the business? Maybe that is truly has what he wants out of life and because that would never be enough for me I somehow think that he needs to want more as well.
Being totally honest (from my perspective) I think the real issue here is we are in a power struggle. He is W-A-Y over the business in his home and I continue to insist that it is a good thing not only because of the income, but because of the opportunity it allows us to help others. (my) Mister has never came right out and ask if we could close down the business, but when we talk about his lack of outside activities he in insistive that he can't do anything because of the business. Then, of course, I have to point out all of the things that I manage to do in addition to the business and (of course) he looks at me as if to say, "See. That's my point. I'm sitting here taking care of things so that you can go do all the other things you want to do." Since he doesn't ever say that, maybe it is also all in my head. My head goes on to rationalize that I might as well do things and leave him behind because the times that I do make a conscious attempt to be around so he can go do other things nothing happens on his part. Me at my most defensive!
So the plan now is to make sure (my) Mister reads this post and then give him the option of leaving the V letter as is or writing up his own version. Anniversaries are a great time to make renewed commitments and take stock of how things are going. Maybe this coming year will be the one in which I am able to allow things to unfold without so much interference from my ego. I have been working under the premise that I am usually right for so many years (with tons of agreement from others) that this is going to take a lot of conscious focus. But a girl can learn, and a girl can grow. Maybe a boy will want to too.
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