Yesterday I cried...... And have been trying to figure out why ever since.......

While reading the March issue of Woman's Health (after, not during!) lunch yesterday, I came across an article about a woman"s (Christina Goyanes) experience training for and completing her first triathlon. After reading the article I said to my daughter, "I could never do that, because the only swimming stroke I know is the doggie paddle." A perfect example how I take myself out of life's race without even thinking about trying. Why am I so quick to do this? Must be those parasites I was talking about yesterday. Little (life) suckers!

Anyway, after shooting myself down, I read the other side of the page, which was a list of triathlons one could enter. The first one read as follows:

In the DANSKIN WOMAN'S TRIATHLON SERIES, you can race alongside women of all ages and fitess levels in eight major cities, including Austin, Denver, and Seattle. The best part: It's impossible to be the last to cross the finish line. Sally Edwards, Ironman athlete and Danskin spokesperson, has run behind the last competitor and been the final finisher for the last seventeen years.
$70, danskin.com/triatlon.html

Typing it just now, I find the tears flowing again. You would think that I have some terrible memories of being picked last in gym class, or always finishing in last place, and yet I can't think of any. The tears stem in part from an overwhelming sense of gratitude for Sally. That she would step up and do this to empower women to try something that they didn't believe possible. (Just like I said after reading the first article.) Women helping women. Women being there for the sole purpose of supporting women. Women sharing in the joy of women's accomplishments. Awsome!

Where does that fear of being last come from in the first place? When my children were little, we always had first, second, third, etc... winner, and no one was ever "last." At least when mommy was around. When they played Tee-ball, score was not kept, and I always said, "Did you have fun? Then you were a winner." In spite of always trying to be positive on this subject, I would still hear them whispering about who had more runs come in, or who was "last winner." Is it in our genes? Today, I have three children that are fairly competitive. Did I make a mistake treating winning and (not) losing as I did when they were young? Like taking too many antibiotics, did I create adults with a "super" need to win? This is where I rely on Jana (Stanfield's) music........ "Nothin I can do About it Now!"

As I said in my valentine letter, I never thought of myself as a competitive person. (Refering to the above paragraph, I wonder what my kids would say about my competiveness? A parent's actions are where a child gets their model for behavior. Mmmmmmmmmm) I can honestly say by and large I can celebrate my friend's successes without overwhelming jealously. (Maybe a little healthy envy.....) I've never been one of those screaming parents in the gym stands at sporting events. I rarely went to those events........ Could they make the seats more uncomfortable, all those obnoxious parents, I couldn't take the pressure when the score of the game was very close or tied......... My poor children........It was always about me. Good thing I raised forgiving adults isn't it?

The more I work at getting physically fit, the more I find myself pitting myself against others as a way to gage my progress. Of course, I always set myself up to win. No matter how unflexable I am, I can count on my husband having less range of motion. He happens to be seven years older than me, so I always have that. Now, if we were to have a "Who is nicer" competition, he would win hands down. I've got to give him something, right?

To get back to my tears......... There is one moment in my life that is freeze frame frozen, and it too ALWAYS brings me to tears. It was about ten years ago, when I was a struggling single mom having trouble making ends meet. I went to the grocery store, and standing in the check-out line I had to tell me kids "I can only afford one gallon of milk for the week, so you are going to have to make it last." (Yes! the tears are splashing on the keyboard.) I felt like such a failure, that I couldn't even provide my kids with a basic like milk. (Interestingly enough, when I talk to my kids about this, they tell me they never felt like they had to do without..... Truth or love?) The reason I am relating this tale, is because it turned out to be a defining moment in my life. I have always been a momma bear kind of parent. Do what you want to me, but don't mess with my kids! At that moment, I vowed to myself that I would do something to turn my finacial situation around. Shortly after that, I returned to school, got my physical therapist assistant degree, and was able to earn more money. Was it easy? Nope! But even that struggle had it's benefits. The eighteen months I was in school brought the four of us closer than we had ever been before. In addition, when my daughter headed off to college the next year, she got great grades. I have never put pressure on my kids (with words) to get good grades, but my daughter said to me "Mom, if you can graduate with high honors (I got one B+ to spoil my grade point) with all you have on your plate, I should be able to do it since school is the only thing I have to do." A great example of kids following your example......... and of the fact that I probably am much more competitive than I ever let myself believe.

So, I am thinking that reading about the Danskin triathlon, and Sally, just might become another defining moment in my life. I just might decide that I need to tackle a triathlon. Think of the adventures that road would lead me on! Sally's dedication has given me hope, and the potential of tackling something I would never have considered before encountering that article. With hope, ANYTHING is possible!

I would like to think that I do this for some of you blog readers. If you can grab onto one tiny piece of hope, (through reading my blog) you can hang on enough to fight another day. If you hang on to fight another day, eventually you will uncover and reach your life purpose/goals. If sharing my crazy zany life (and thoughts) in a way that makes one person feel empowered, then I have suceeded with the secondary purpose of this blog. First, of course, is me........ I am uncovering layers of myself that I have never encountered before by putting my thougts down in this blog. If I can continue to do this, while at the same time encouraging someone else, I will have stumbled upon the ultimate win/win situation! Let's go for it!