The problem with withholding the truth............................

Do you ever do that? Not tell someone what you are really thinking or feeling? Of course, we all do it, on all kinds of levels.

Who in their right mind is going to tell their boss the holiday tie they wore was the tackiest tie ever worn in the workplace?

Who is going to share with grandma that you have to wash ALL the clothes in your suitcase everytime you visit (not just the ones you wear) because they reak of mothballs?

Not sharing these things, is not going to destroy any relationships, and is in my opinion a type of respect. What worries me is when I hear about something that was with-held because the withholder was afraid of what the withholdie would think about them. This totally has the potential to destroy many things.

Just because one manages to not let someone know something, does NOT change the facts of its existance. What can happen is the withholder can let the information fester into a much bigger deal than it othwise might be. I think we withhold our truths because we are afraid to own them. It really has nothing to do with how we think the other person will react, but what it changes for us when we say the words outloud.

How do we form these notions that there is a right and a wrong way to be? If you have children, you might have noticed that when they are one and two they have no trouble admiting anything they are doing or feeling. By the age of three or four however, they have somehow picked up on the notion of fibbing, or trying to get away without ownership of problem. I guess we parents feed into this by time outs and other punishments, and of course society cannot survive without some basic order. My question is what is damaged in the process of conformity?

When my kids were little, I thought I did a pretty good job about letting them be independent by giving them choices. I also know that I would do things like insist they wear blue socks with the blue outfit (instead of say, the orange ones). Did I somehow give them the notion that there was something wrong with them for wanting to wear the orange socks in the first place? Did I unknowingly feed into the making them believe there was ONE better way to be?

Regardless of what contributes to it, the reality of adulthood is that most of us struggle with the notion of who and what we should be as oposed to what we think we are. If one grows up in a family of avid hunters, it might be difficult to share with dad that you have become a vegetarian. It might seem easier to move the disgusting hunk of flesh around on your plate and sneak it into a napkin when no one is looking (I did this with liver once upon a time at someone's house. Who in their right mind would serve liver to company unless they knew the company liked it?), then have a frank talk with dear ole dad about your changing views.

It is certainly your right to follow this path. Just be aware of what you are loosing by doing so. Even though dad has no idea (and maybe, just maybe he is more aware than you think), you know and that is enough to make a difference in the relationship. It is always harder and more stressful to hide a truth than it is to own it. It is also much more work to undo the hurt of a truth withheld then to stand up for your choices in the first place.

Since I know you are all dying to know what promted this post, and since the mind has a way of blowing things all out of porportion, I will let you in on the truth...

My oldest came home for Christmas, and told me she had to go home Christmas evening because she had to work the next day. Turns out that while technically she did have to work, she planned to and did use a personal day and didn't go to work. I really don't get why she would not have just told me she wanted to go home to be able to hang out and relax. She is twenty-seven years old and I know she has made her life elsewhere and only visits us now. I am okay with that fact of life. I am just wondering why she is not okay with it, and why she thinks I am not? Are you disapointed that it wasn't something much juicier? Sorry.