Let me tell you how I'm feeling...............

As most of you know, I had married and divorced twice before (my) Mister. I think I have also told you how my second ex has lived with us (bag and baggage) in the past, and continues to use our address/phone number to official use. In fact, just yesterday, I received two recorded messages for him and when the (extremely irritating) woman from sprint called wanting me to give him a message, I offered to give her his cell phone number, informing her I was no longer his secretary. SHe hung up on ME! This could have been for a number of reasons... Maybe the script she was reading from did not contain the steps required for writing down a number? Maybe her break time rolled around mid-conversation and she didn't want to miss any of it? Maybe she just doesn't really care about doing her job as a collector, and actually reaching the person she sought just might lead her towards having to do it for a change? Wait a minute...Since she was calling about his cell phone, she must have the number right? What a dummy I am!

WAIT A MINUTE! Why am I telling you all this? NOT THE INTENDED POST. Stop right now Patty.

LET'S START OVER.................

I have not spoken to my first husband in several years. As my two oldest children became adults there was no reason to, and let's face it most of us getting divorced do not remain the best of friends. I don't think that either he or I wished each other ill, there just was not any reason for us to keep in touch directly. Anyway, yesterday I got a blast from the past. My first husband called me. AND WE TALKED!

The reason he called doesn't need to be disclosed, neither does why he called me of all the people in his life. What is really important is that WE TALKED. As in two persons sharing ideas, giving and taking, listening, encouraging, VOICING UNDERSTANDING. You know, just like two regular people, NOT bitter exes! Imagine that!

You know how you hear about something, but until you go through it yourself you really don't think it could ever happen to you? Me too. As I said before, it isn't like we spent time being enemies, but talking like we did yesterday was never a part of our marriage (or if it was the openness was infrequent) and definitely not a part of our divorce. I am a big enough girl to admit that had I been able to do so we most likely would not be divorced today. But on the other hand, I also would not have had the rest of my life as I know it, and I would not be the person that I have grown into and enjoy being today. I have no regrets over my choices, and any sadness I feel about our divorce is for that hopelessly messed up nineteen year old that truly believed she was marrying her knight and shining armour who turned out to be slightly tarnished (aren't we all?), and she had no support or role models (let alone a clue) to help her handle the reality of marriage.

Do I think the two of us will start planning back yard barbecues or meeting for dinner? Probably not. I think of this more as a sweet little P.S. to our relationship, but mostly I look at this as huge growth on both of our parts. It would seem we both have learned something of what is really important in a relationship, mutual support and respect. Not only have we learned this we were actually able to treat each other this way. Amazing! I guess the old saying that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," has some truth to it after all.

So, if you have an ex that is driving you bonkers, or you are thinking of changing your title of spouse to ex and the conversations the two of you have are not of the highest quality take away hope from my experience. The time can come that the two of you will be not only civil to one another, but helpful. Look at your style of conversations and maybe ask yourself what you could improve that might just make the other person improve as well. Be the hero, set the good example. Did I do this all those years ago? Not much, if at all, but here is an opportunity to learn from someones mistake if you choose to utilize it. I believe that once you are married to someone, and especially if you share children, there will always be a connection between the two of you. The type of connection and the interactions the two of you have is the unwritten part, the part that becomes the "for better or worse" of your marriage vows, that CAN be re-written if your current conversations are not working for the betterment of both of you.