MAJOR ego breakthrough.................

Before I share, I wanted to give A New Earth, by: Eckhart Tolle one more plug. If you are unhappy about anything in your life, read this book. If there is any lack in your life, read this book. If there are any people in your life you think should change, read this book. If you do read this book and it doesn't speak to you in the first few chapters, put it on the book shelf and it will show up in your life again when you are ready for it.

I started reading the book when Oprah was doing her New Earth Series. I read the first chapter, wasn't that impressed, and put the book down. Having an XM radio I happened on the second lesson talk, that got my interest up enough to compel me to picked the book back up. Going through the next eight weeks I learned lots about ego and about myself, but I can't say I put all of the ideas into practice right away.

About a month and a half ago I discovered that there was going to be a group discussing the book and I decided it might be fun to go through the book again in a group setting and see if it turned up anything I had missed on my own. I was the only "student" to show up, but the two of us went ahead and started talking about the book.

Again, this past Saturday, it was just he and I that came together to discuss how to tame our egos. I am sure that it was total divine intervention that no others showed up because I would not have opened up in a group setting. Not because I have something to hide, or am ashamed of how I am, but simply because I am one of those people that hate it when a person in a group asks a completely personal question. In a group setting I only ask questions that I feel would be beneficial for the entire group to hear, and save the individual questions for a one on one with the instructor.

After discussing our homework from the previous week we moved into the new lesson and before I knew it I was discussing the (eight year) state of my marriage.

As I told the instructor, I am married to a great guy. We agree on all the important things in life. He is loving, supportive, and helpful beyond belief, and there is no one I would rather be with than he. That being said, every single disagreement/fight/argument/conflict/etc... that we have ever had has stemmed from the fact that I don't feel heard by him.

I went on to say that I know without a doubt that the two of us could/would have the world's greatest relationship ever, if he would just validate me by listening. If he would do this for me I know we could then move forward towards bliss. {How many of you have the same one or two points of contention that keep getting rehashed but never resolved in your relationships?}

Being a wise counsel, my instructor ask me where I thought this need stemmed from. This was easy. Childhood. I was never listened to as a kid, and if I tried to have my opinion count it usually resulted in physical punishment. I was looking to my spouse to assist me in healing these childhood wounds.

The instructor then said the most amazing thing:

Your emotional attachment of trying to be heard falls into an attachment to the idea of being felt heard.

So what was behind my need to be heard? Ego, of course! It was as if someone had opened the shades in a darkened room. Way back, all those years ago, my ego grabbed onto the pain of my childhood and replayed it over and over in order to stay in charge of me. If I believe the idea that all we have is an exact moment in time, why was I letting past feelings keep me from living in the moment? What purpose is this serving beyond that of my ego?

Does it change my self-worth if I feel not listened to? Only from an ego perspective. Does it keep me from growing as a person? Again, only if I give into the notions that my ego would have me give into. As I sat in that classroom and tried to find one valid reason why I should have an attachment to another person's behavior being a certain way I became liberated.

Seriously, I am going to do anything I need to do regardless of what anyone else says or doesn't say to me. What was happening is that I was letting my ego be in charge and was fighting for some perceived notions that it was another person's job to fix me, or make me whole, when in actuality I was whole all along.

Since the last class, I have made no requests what-so-ever of (my) Mister (on an interpersonal level that is. I continue to convey day to day messages/requests to him), and I really have felt no need to. I stay focused on being in the now and I think this has caused some confusion for him. Here is an example of a conversation between us since my last class:

(him ~ initiating the conversation) "I can't just sit down and talk to you."

(me ~ reminding myself to stay in the moment of now) "Okay. Then don't worry about sitting down and talking to me."

(him ~ visibly confused by my lack of argument) "But I want to sit down and talk to you."

(me ~ truly feeling I had nothing vested either way) "Okay, then sit down and talk to me."

After a few seconds he walked away, and I went about my business.

My desire is to learn to let go of all of the attachments I have to other people's behaviors towards me and continue to stay in the peace of now. I will keep you informed with how well I progress.

And just in case you want to join in, here is some homework that you can do whether or not you have read the book:

Make a list of what you need to be fulfilled.

Why does the actions (or in-actions) of another person determine my feelings of fulfillment?