MAJOR ego breakthrough.................

Before I share, I wanted to give A New Earth, by: Eckhart Tolle one more plug. If you are unhappy about anything in your life, read this book. If there is any lack in your life, read this book. If there are any people in your life you think should change, read this book. If you do read this book and it doesn't speak to you in the first few chapters, put it on the book shelf and it will show up in your life again when you are ready for it.

I started reading the book when Oprah was doing her New Earth Series. I read the first chapter, wasn't that impressed, and put the book down. Having an XM radio I happened on the second lesson talk, that got my interest up enough to compel me to picked the book back up. Going through the next eight weeks I learned lots about ego and about myself, but I can't say I put all of the ideas into practice right away.

About a month and a half ago I discovered that there was going to be a group discussing the book and I decided it might be fun to go through the book again in a group setting and see if it turned up anything I had missed on my own. I was the only "student" to show up, but the two of us went ahead and started talking about the book.

Again, this past Saturday, it was just he and I that came together to discuss how to tame our egos. I am sure that it was total divine intervention that no others showed up because I would not have opened up in a group setting. Not because I have something to hide, or am ashamed of how I am, but simply because I am one of those people that hate it when a person in a group asks a completely personal question. In a group setting I only ask questions that I feel would be beneficial for the entire group to hear, and save the individual questions for a one on one with the instructor.

After discussing our homework from the previous week we moved into the new lesson and before I knew it I was discussing the (eight year) state of my marriage.

As I told the instructor, I am married to a great guy. We agree on all the important things in life. He is loving, supportive, and helpful beyond belief, and there is no one I would rather be with than he. That being said, every single disagreement/fight/argument/conflict/etc... that we have ever had has stemmed from the fact that I don't feel heard by him.

I went on to say that I know without a doubt that the two of us could/would have the world's greatest relationship ever, if he would just validate me by listening. If he would do this for me I know we could then move forward towards bliss. {How many of you have the same one or two points of contention that keep getting rehashed but never resolved in your relationships?}

Being a wise counsel, my instructor ask me where I thought this need stemmed from. This was easy. Childhood. I was never listened to as a kid, and if I tried to have my opinion count it usually resulted in physical punishment. I was looking to my spouse to assist me in healing these childhood wounds.

The instructor then said the most amazing thing:

Your emotional attachment of trying to be heard falls into an attachment to the idea of being felt heard.

So what was behind my need to be heard? Ego, of course! It was as if someone had opened the shades in a darkened room. Way back, all those years ago, my ego grabbed onto the pain of my childhood and replayed it over and over in order to stay in charge of me. If I believe the idea that all we have is an exact moment in time, why was I letting past feelings keep me from living in the moment? What purpose is this serving beyond that of my ego?

Does it change my self-worth if I feel not listened to? Only from an ego perspective. Does it keep me from growing as a person? Again, only if I give into the notions that my ego would have me give into. As I sat in that classroom and tried to find one valid reason why I should have an attachment to another person's behavior being a certain way I became liberated.

Seriously, I am going to do anything I need to do regardless of what anyone else says or doesn't say to me. What was happening is that I was letting my ego be in charge and was fighting for some perceived notions that it was another person's job to fix me, or make me whole, when in actuality I was whole all along.

Since the last class, I have made no requests what-so-ever of (my) Mister (on an interpersonal level that is. I continue to convey day to day messages/requests to him), and I really have felt no need to. I stay focused on being in the now and I think this has caused some confusion for him. Here is an example of a conversation between us since my last class:

(him ~ initiating the conversation) "I can't just sit down and talk to you."

(me ~ reminding myself to stay in the moment of now) "Okay. Then don't worry about sitting down and talking to me."

(him ~ visibly confused by my lack of argument) "But I want to sit down and talk to you."

(me ~ truly feeling I had nothing vested either way) "Okay, then sit down and talk to me."

After a few seconds he walked away, and I went about my business.

My desire is to learn to let go of all of the attachments I have to other people's behaviors towards me and continue to stay in the peace of now. I will keep you informed with how well I progress.

And just in case you want to join in, here is some homework that you can do whether or not you have read the book:

Make a list of what you need to be fulfilled.

Why does the actions (or in-actions) of another person determine my feelings of fulfillment?

Neighborhood Potty............................

As our downstairs bathroom remodel progressed it was time to toss out the old toilet. It was actually loaded into the dumpster when my youngest told me the neighbor down the road told her she was looking for a toilet for her back yard. Since I am all about recycling, we hauled it out and down to her.

The best part of the story is how it came to us in the first place.

When we moved into our house (nineteen years ago) another family moving into our basement at the same time. So they didn't have to come upstairs to use the facilities I wanted to put a toilet and sink downstairs. As luck would have it, the neighbors to the side of us were doing a bathroom remodel at that time and were happy to pass on the old stool, sink, and medicine cabinet (the ones original to their house when it was built twenty years prior) for us to use.

So, now three neighborhood homes are linked by the lineage of a toilet, and we are taking bets to see what happens to the toilet twenty years from now?

Gives a whole new meaning to "flower pot" doesn't it?

Time is a great healer..........................

This past weekend was a joyous, celebratory one for our family. My oldest daughter received her Master's degree from Notre Dame. Twenty-nine and ready to tackle the world!

Unable to find a suitable caregiver for the level of care our current respite resident requires (my) Mister volunteered to miss the festivities, so my youngest and I headed off to South Bend on Friday to attend a banquet for the 20 Master's recipients, a family picnic on Saturday, and the actual graduation Sunday morning. My oldest daughter's dad (and family) joined in for the picnic and graduation activities.

For those of you in the middle of a stressful relationship with an ex/soon to be ex these next words are for you. It does/will get better. When I checked in with (my) Mister on Saturday he ask what I was doing and I (jokingly) replied, "Bonding with my ex over charcoal."

The original plan was that dad be in charge of the grill. Stuck in traffic, we moved on to plan B and started the coals. When they arrived the first of the chicken was on, and the oldest "didn't know how to tell if it was done," so I took over. After the initial hellos, I noticed dad sitting in a lawn chair. Without really thinking about it, I went over, put my hand on his shoulder (maybe should have thought about doing that with the daggers I felt fly out of the eyes of his wife, but what's done is done), and said to him, "~~~ was totally planning on you being in charge of the grill, we just got things started while you finished the drive. Feel free to jump in anytime and take over for me." "Really?" he said, I brought my apron. It's in the car," and he was up and gone to get it in a flash (I REFUSE to comment on the fact that he had to have an apron in the first place, especially since he tied it at his waist instead of over his neck... Trying to be nice here).

So there I am, minding my own business, enjoying the sun along with a little spiked cranberry juice when dad says to me, "We're going to need a hotter fire. Any suggestions?" WOW! It's been over twenty years since the man voiced any need of my opinion or help (NOT that I can say it has been over twenty years since I offered it anyway, but...). Gotta tell you it was a little strange...

And then it wasn't.

Everything sorta shifted, and while not totally normal, it seemed right somehow, fitting that we would be sharing in the preparations and celebrations of our first born. That took center stage as all the bitterness, anger, and pain, took it's rightful place as a distant memory of what once was, but now isn't needed. Though morphed somewhat, we will always be connected to one another through our children, even as they progress through adulthood. What a blessing it is to be able to share in the joy of their accomplishments without the burdens of the past.

So, feeling all proud and happy over my oldest daughter's accomplishments, my wish for all of you out there in a painful relationship is that it not take twenty years for you to find the peace that her father and I seemed to have found with one another.

Call me crazy, but..................

You might remember how Fred came into our lives, by joining us for a short jog on a cold day. He continues to do this from time to time, always stopping at the end of the street. I bought him a cute little (elastic) collar, but he hates it and prefers to roam as a, "Don't fence me in kind of cat."

The night before last Fred joined us when we took the two dogs for a walk around the block. I kinda thought he would stop at the corner, but he followed us down and around. Strange as it might sound, he was really walking with us. He didn't wander into yards, or exhibit other cat behaviors, simply followed us about two to three feet behind the entire way.

Now the best part... When we arrived back at our house, Fred stopped at the neighbors and did his business, just like he had been taking walks and relieving himself during the course of the walk forever! I am not sure which my youngest thought more incredulous, that Fred was accompanying us on our walk or the fact that she "Had to clean up after a cat, don't they use litter boxes?"

Maybe the reason Fred fits in so well around here is that in our house all of the stereotypical rules are blurred. We don't really work on a system of "this is my job and that is your job," we all just sort of pitch in and do what needs doing. While I purchase both dog and cat food, all of them eat what is out, and our girl dog, Emma has been known to jump her cat sister, Franny from time to time in a show of dominance. Now, I am not saying I am proud of this, just that it is what it is, and I am okay with it.

Have you ever wondered how many of these behavior rules got set up in the first place? My guess is it started for some one's benefit. Often something will start out as a working idea and end up being touted as gospel. Take relationships for example. One is not suppose to be friends with their boss. I get this might be a bad idea if the boss needs to discipline the friend regarding a work matter, but I have been here with a "friend" that accepted a management position. It was touch and go for a while until we figured out how we were suppose to act within the new dynamic. Looking back on the situation (being the model employee and all) I can no longer see the need for what I then believed we should change.

And then we have the more intimate relationships. Boys are suppose to date girls and vice-versa. Only a male and female are allowed the benefits of marriage. One's relationship really isn't intimate unless it is sexual. Are you reading between the lines that I no longer want to follow these rules? Sorry to disappoint you I am content where, and with whom I am with. But I will go on to say one of the most intimate relationships I ever had was with a female back in high school, and NO! We didn't have sex. But we sure did share. We wrote letters to one another daily, cried together over our joys AND disappointments, held nothing back from one another. I don't know that I have ever been that open and honest with anyone since.

For a time between marriages I also shared a house with another female and her two sons. We were partners in every since of the word, again except the sex, but don't you know lots of married couples that don't have sex? Because we didn't have a marriage license we couldn't share insurance benefits or family discounts even though we were living as a family. Something is wrong with that picture in my view.

How did a cat behaving like a dog turn into a discussion on what constitutes the correct relationship? Don't ask me... All I am saying is, having been married and divorced twice (and now married again), I have to admit that a ceremony and the blessing of the state was not enough to constitute a healthy, lasting union. Marriage is much more than a piece of paper, and yet many benefits are denied couples that exemplify the love and mutual respect that a marital union should have, because they are not allowed to have the coveted piece of paper and all that that piece of paper grants. Who are any of us to say what is right for anyone but ourselves? If we happen to be born into the body of a cat why oh why is it so strange to want to go for an evening walk with one's family? What is the harm? Is it really taking anything away from any other dog?

The time has come in our world to practice tolerance and acceptance. Period! No one person has all the answers and no one person can make judgement calls for the good of all. The beauty of the human spirit is that we are all different. It is time that we all stop trying to fit ourselves into the same four or five square pegs. The world will not come to an end because we agree to live and let live. In fact the destruction of the world will come out of trying to make others believe in what we believe in. Think about it. I am done preaching for now...

Manifesting gutters...........................

We need new gutters for our house. I am sure that the ones currently attached (if you can still call them attached) are the original to the house. As of last Saturday, I had done nothing about the gutters except for writing the need down on my list of expected summer purchases, with the desire that we would have the funds for them this June.

A friend of a friend showed up Saturday afternoon, canvasing for a construction company and ask if it would be okay to send someone out Monday to give us an official estimate. Why not? Especially when we were assured we would be getting the friends and family discount.

The guy showed up Monday evening (They have to have both wife and husband present. Do you think that either would really buy gutters without the other one being aware? I know halves of couples that have been known to sneak shoes or tools into the house without getting caught, but gutters?) I really try and not judge people, but this man simply dripped sleaze. He gave off that vibe of the older guy that is still trying to be a chick magnet when you know full well he wasn't even a chick magnet in his twenties. Bold, gold jewelry, shirt with one button too many open at the neck, bad, bad, dye job. I fully understand how hard a job in sales is, and that it must be terrible to be told no all of the time, but this guys problem went much deeper than that. You would be proud that I didn't wipe my hand on my pants after shaking hello, but I digress from my story.

It took him all of five minutes to measure our house and come in with his little gutter model. The gutters are shot, I get that, but to hear this man talk, our roof (less than 12 years old) was also in complete disrepair and desperately needed replacing. And goodness knows what damage the company would be finding once the old gutters where taken off the house. CRAP, CRAP, CRAP! Designed to scare us into a purchase. I was polite, simply smiled at him and told him he might be correct, but we would not be getting a roof this year.

In case none of you have looked into gutters lately, they now have a kind that has a type of shield designed to keep debris out of the gutter. His estimate for this kind of gutter was over six thousand (NO! not a typo) dollars, the old fashion kind coming in at over three thousand bucks. Fortunately, (my) Mister is used to by assertive ways, because after I picked my jaw off the floor I calmly looked at him and said, "I think that price is too high and we can do better than that don't you?" He mumbled an agreement, not speaking clearly I think because he was still in shock at the price. Can you imagine his quote without the family discount? Me neither.

Tuesday morning (my) Mister called and told me he found someone else to give us an estimate and they would be coming over after dinner to give us another quote. This young kid shows up in shorts and a T-shirt, polite beyond belief. He kinda looked familiar, and when he told me his VERY unusual first name I ask him his last name and discovered I knew his family well and had "known" him since he was about five years old. He told us it would take him about twenty minutes to measure the house and come up with an estimate, and we actually saw him going around the house and doing so, unlike the last guy. When he came in he had a couple of questions about the current placement of the down spouts, and while he wasn't showing off, one could tell by the way he talked that this kid knew his gutters, and he wasn't just a sales person.

Ready for the good part. As we were talking, okay, I mean while I was telling him about the other estimate we had received, (my) Mister made the statement, "Ya! I was looking through the phone book for another company and your ad just sort of jumped out at me." I looked at (my) Mister and said, "You know that was divine intervention don't ya?" and the kid never missed a beat. And ya, his out the door price for the same system was two thousand two hundred. A four thousand dollar difference. His company will be installing new gutters on our house the second week in June.

My point of boring you all with this tale of two gutter companies? Pay attention to the intent you set. Like I said in the beginning, I had written down that we needed new gutters and I would like to get them in June, but the rest of the story happened without me doing another thing and hardly giving the process another thought. Make sure, once you determine a need, that you pay attention to what comes to you. I have had things come into my life only to leave before I realized it was an answer to a thought or request of mine. Lots of times I think we not only have a need, but a notion of exactly how that need is going to get fulfilled. Sometimes this can lead to our missing out on special blessings, and sometimes the need itself.

So, in my quest to turn you all into manifesters, sent an intent for something. Write it down, stay positive, and mostly stay open to the way in which it will come to you. And make sure you let me know what happens.

Update......................

Remember the post in which I shared my brush with identity thief? The post that mysteriously disappeared.

Well, I held my thoughts of resolution of the situation, and am happy to report that the money has been credited back to my account.

I am not sure how much I shared about the letter I faxed to continue the process of denial of the purchase, but in that letter I shared how I have never purchased or played a computer game and that I would be happy to submit my computer or any computer in my household to the bank so they could look for computer games. At the end of that paragraph I put, " Now if it had been a shoe purchase..."

Towards the end of last week I received the exact same paper work that I had first received from the bank telling me they had determined the purchase valid. I contacted the bank and told them I had not only faxed a letter, but had followed up and been told the fax had been received, and I had no idea why I was getting a copy of the paperwork they had already sent to me. Long story short, the lady I talked to actually did her job, looked me up and found that no fax had been recorded. Then she told me, "Fax it again, and I will call you back when I get it." Talk about doing one's job above and beyond! Then she called me back and told me the person "handling" my case was not in this day, and I had not signed the letter (had typed my name, but forgot to sign), but as soon as I did and faxed it back, her manager would credit the money back to my account. Not sure I heard correctly, but not wanting to question my good fortune of the other person being sick and my case going to the higher court so to speak, I told her thanks and faxed the signed letter pronto. Yesterday when I checked my balance there was the money, right back where it belonged.

Happy as I am, and let me tell you I feel blessed and grateful beyond belief, but I still have a few questions. I don't understand what if anything in my letter caused the change of feeling with the manager, or did she just not want to have to deal with it on a Friday afternoon? My big question is this still does nothing to discover who committed the fraud in the first place, thus does nothing to stop him/her from doing it again. I still have no idea of what else can be done to stop this person from doing this to others, and that was my main intent in pushing my point of innocence.

For now the money sits in my account waiting for it to be needed to help out another deal with a fraudulent situation as I pledged the money to that purpose upon its return. I continue to hold the intent that the person responsible for the Internet purchase will be brought to light and any further crimes against others by this person will be stopped. I will be sure and keep you informed of any further updates.

Is it all in my head?............................

Through the training of my marathon last summer, and continuing to run 15 to 20 miles a week, giving up all white/processed foods, and ninety percent of the sugar I used to consume I have gained ten pounds over the past six months. All of it around my middle, which my doctor says is carb weight. The only carbs I was eating where things like lentils, beans, and multi-grain tostada chips for nachos (beans, cheese, veggies) which was my splurge treat.

I went to the doctor, hormones fine, IE. no menopause as of yet. Sugar number fine, I still believe I am glucose intolerant, but she says my numbers were not at a point that she could treat me yet. IE. One must be diabetic before modern science can help them. No thank you. She also said my over-all cholesterol number was up by 20 points. This she wanted to treat with medication. Again, I said no thanks. I insisted that she give me a couple of months to bring it down myself. I had read somewhere that more people are diagnosed with high cholesterol in the winter months (this was last January) because your body needs vitamin D to make the good cholesterol. One gets vitamin D from the sun and where I live sun is a scarcity in the winter months. I plan to expose my tummy to the sun for a few weeks before my next test as it can't hurt. A little aside here. For those of you that believe in supplements, Dr. Oz believes that we are all vitamin D deficient and that it is one of the most important vitamins we can have. One must take the correct type of D and that number (I think it is D-3) is not in my memory bank at the moment, but if you are interested let me know and I will dig up what the correct kind of Vitamin D we should be taking.

After going to the doctor, I ate perfect for a week and tracked everything I ate. Fruits, veggies, grains, reasonable portions, about 1,300 calories a day. I gained two pounds that week.

For the next four or five weeks I tried the low carb, high protein diet. Only about thirty grams of carbs a day, daily calorie intact again around 1,300. I lost the two pounds I had gained the previous week and another three in the first two weeks. The remaining weeks I lost a big, fat, nothing. The pain in the ass of writing everything down would have been worth it if I continued to lose weight but since I wasn't I gave up.

Through a string of unusual events I discovered that we have a natural-path (doctor) in our town and so I made an appointment to see her. My first visit to her was two and a half hours long, and the total cost including herbal prescriptions was $130.00. My doc charges a hundred bucks a visit, not covered by my insurance. I have a $5.00 co-pay on prescriptions, received five of these which (if they had been doctor prescribed) would have cost me $15.00. So, here is what I got for the extra $15.00.

She began the session with muscle testing. She would touch all of these little vials and push down on my arm as I held it out. Once she figured one thing out she would hand me a group of these little vials and do more muscle testing. The first thing she honed in on was I had parasites in my liver AND IN MY HEART, including my heart valves. YUCK!!! But she assured me we all have them. She wanted to treat these first and then I will go back to see her in a few weeks and we will see what my body wants to focus on at that time.
To treat the parasites, she zapped me. She plugged in this little machine and I held it over my heart and then my liver. I felt nothing with this zapping, except towards the end of the treatment the paddle began to get a little warm. After I had these treatments she tested me to see if I had any left by asking the question, "What number are left in the heart/liver?" and then muscle testing me while counting until the answer was none.

I get that the whole thing sounds like mumbo jumbo, but it didn't hurt and couldn't be worse for me than hearing the words, "I can't do anything for you due to the results of your counts from your blood test." The herbal prescriptions she gave me where to get rid of the few lingering parasites and also my liver "wanted" some additional support.

So how do I know it worked?

First, I found it interesting that I "failed" everything that has to do with the gallbladder. I had mine removed when I was fifteen. Can't really be working if it isn't in there can it? Second, I have to tell you that I am not a good pill taker. I not only hate pills and have trouble swallowing them, I am usually sick to my stomach for the rest of the day after taking them. I've been told that we should all take a daily multi-vitamin, and I have over the years tried to do this. They ALWAYS make me sick and I always give in and stop taking them. The natural-path's little vials told her that my vitamin and mineral counts were pretty good.

Now this is what I think is really cool. I was really worried about feeling sick while taking these herbal medications, but willing to give it a try to see if it would bring my body back into balance. Monday will be two weeks since I started taking these (big, honkin) pills and I HAVE NOT FELT SICK ONE SINGLE TIME! It seriously makes me think I felt sick from the other pills/vitamins because my body was trying to tell me I didn't need them. My body wanted/needed the pills I am currently taking so it consumed them without ill effect.

The other things I have noticed are small and yet significant. My stomach (where all the weight went on) is not as paunchy now. Still there, but a bit smaller. The bigger thing I have noticed is my breathing seems to be easier when I am running. If my heart and heart valves where fighting parasites and now they don't have to it stands to reason that the heart would be pumping better, the blood would be getting more oxygen in it, and I would be breathing easier with exertion.

Ya, it could also all be in my head. These herbal prescriptions and the zapping could only be working because I think they are working. I am totally okay with that. As long as I am feeling healthy, and am able to do the things I want to do in life it doesn't matter to me how it comes about.

What do you think? Any thoughts on alternative medicine?

Just doing a little test post.......................

For some strange reason the post about my identity thief disappeared and the comments are on the latest post.

Thought I should do a test to see if something is messed up on my blog.

Have been busy enjoying the beautiful weather we have been having. My flowers are coming up in bursts of color and we have all been enjoying that.

A funny thing happen on the way to pick up my truck..........................

I have my truck back again, and the repair was (only) $700.00. Considering that the guy was talking potential thousands I feel blessed. The final amount was only a $100.00 over what we had for the trip, so I don't buy any shoes this month (pick yourself up off the floor Random... I will be fine!), and we are golden. But on to the story...

Having finished the book A New Earth, I have been trying hard to be "in the moment," "live the present." I must have a ways to go yet. My youngest got a speeding ticket earlier in the week. I know she told me of the details, but I didn't really pay attention to them. On the way to pick up the truck, yours truly was also using her lead foot and was stopped by Mr. "Officer Friendly" himself. I sat in the car REFUSING to give into the self directed anger and stupidity of the moment. If he wrote fast, I could still get the truck and make it to the coffee place to pick up beans before they close. Coffee is a necessity in our house. With four "heavy drinkers (of coffee of course), we are always running out of coffee (and toilet paper, but that is another story).

See, I have gotten over speeding tickets years ago. I consider myself a safe driver (don't we all?). I wasn't going 110, he had me at 13 miles over, on a country road, no other cars in site (Queen of justification when it comes to breaking the law). Remember the line in the song, "I can't drive fifty-five?" I speed sometimes. For every time I get caught, there are probably hundreds of times I have "gotten away with it." Since I am still running a good average I am not going to let it ruin my day. After all, someone had to help nice officer friendly reach his quota for the month. This month I took my turn. I will admit my patience was running a little thin by the time he got the written ticket to the car. As he was explaining the procedure in his friendliest voice (one of these times I REALLY and going to tell one of them I don't need their charity, just write the damn thing for the full-on over speed, instead of GENEROUSLY writing it for ONLY five miles over, blah, blah, blah...), I cut him off with a curt, "I've done this before," took the ticket out of his hand and started the car to his patronizing words of, "Drive safely now." I told my youngest if I had more time I would totally speed out of there just to show him I don't give a rat's ass about the ticket, but since I don't... OH! YA! I have a ways to go with all this Zen stuff!

So, we continue our drive down the road only nothing looks familiar. This is the same road I broke down on (was it last week or two weeks ago) and I drive it often. It took me a couple of minutes to figure out it didn't look familar because I had missed the road I wanted to turn on so my mind was looking for those landmarks. Back tracking, the silly road was BEFORE where I had my stand-off with the law (another old song, "I fought the law and the law won!"). Had I been in the moment instead of blabbing off about the identity thief I (potentially) could have avoided the entire matter. My youngest then reminds me that her experience was exactly the same, she missed her turn and was pulled over past that point so also could also have avoided her experience (different county, different cop, two days prior). How's that for mother daughter bonding?

Totally spoiled beyond belief, we presented our tickets to (my) Mister yesterday (she also gave him a check out of her account) so he could call on them and get the fines in the mail. I told him of my desire to ask for the full speed charges and he turned a little green. Have I told you that (my) Mister is THE MOST law abiding citizen I know? I promised to try and stop myself before actually doing it.

Not five minutes after (my) Mister informed me that the charge for my ticket was $110.00 I opened an e-mail to find I had been gifted the second level Reiki class which (of course) costs $110.00 EXACTLY! How can I act like such a brat and still get all these blessings??? Who's questioning? I'm not questioning... Only gratitude here.

Ya all drive safely now...