Excuses are getting harder to come by...................................

This is the thought that occured to me as I was standing in the line at the bank doing my one-leg squats. Okay! So I probably looked silly, but I'm sure it wasn't the first time, and won't be the last time that I looked silly in public.

After going to the bank, I ran all over trying to find some goo, (the energy stuff that you use when you are doing high milage.) and a sports drink with protien in it. I had no idea it would be that hard to find them, but turns out I was wrong. I finally ended up getting a drink with protein, but no carb, and one with carbs but no protein, and mixing the two together. Why you ask?

I have been reading that your muscles recover faster, and you have less over-all soreness when you have some protein right after you work out. Less soreness is ALWAYS a good thing don't ya think? The protein is suppose to aid in re-building your muscles quicker, and it is the breakdown of the muscles that cause the soreness in the first place.

When I do the trail run in June, I will be running in the morning and in the afternoon. It will be much warmer than the last time I raced, and I don't want to get de-hydrated in the morning, and then be feeling sick for the afternoon run. To avoid this, I have started (last week) doing two runs one day of the week. The plan is to try different things on the trail (and between the morning and afternoon runs ) during practice so I will know what works best come race day. It really tired me out running twice in one day, but the fact that I did it, make me feel good. Right now, I am running pretty slow on the trail, so I have to get my time out their way up to be sure I can handle the distance. Getting back to my first statement...............................

When I finally got back home, finished assisting a resident with his dinner, and getting my running gear around, it was raining. Our the door I went for my sixty minute easy run. Six months ago, a litte rain would have put me comfortably on the couch! What I am finding, is the more I train, the more adverse conditions I over-come. The more adverse conditions I conquer, the less brain looks for reasons not to exercise. This is pretty amazing to me. Trust me, I used to be the queen of good reasons not to exercise. Back when I made the commitment to just get on the treadmill, I was having many a fight with brain over why I couldn't fit in exercise. At each tiny milestone, I was able to show her that "she could too do it!" Having run in the snow, wind, and rain; uphill, downhill, through the valley of the shadow of death. (Hey! It seemed like it at the time!) Having ran fast, slow, and close to three hours straight without stopping, Brain now sees things as "possibly hard, but definitely do-able." You don't know how much time I am saving not having to argue with her about whether or not we are going to exercise. Most days we are finished in a much shorter time than we used to spend just getting ready and out the door, or to the free weights. When I used to hear the Nike slogan, "Just Do It" brain used to mouth back, "Easy for you to say" and launch into her litany of reasons why she couldn't. Now she has a greater understanding of what they are trying to say.

The other interesting thing that has come of not relying on excuses, is that when I do forgo a work-out there isn't a pile of guilt that comes with it. Maybe this is because I have made some headway towards my goal of self-love? I know that part of it is knowing that somedays life is going to get in the way. When (my) Mister was down and out with his back, (Which is doing much better by the way.) I didn't run for a week. It just occured to me that I also didn't beat myself up over that fact. NOT EVEN ONCE! Once upon a time, not running for a week would have meant the beginning of the end of my running. As long as I keep those carrots dangling, (otherswise known as races) I am pretty sure I will keep heading out that door. Not to mention I am getting pretty used to being strong and powerful, two gifts I have received since beginning my quest to improve my physical condition. I get that these gifts are conditional, and will be taken away if I don't keep making deposits into my body. Kind of like those high yeild savings accounts....... The more you put in them, the more you get back......... And, usually, if you drop below a certain amount you stop making any interest on your money. Wouldn't want to see that happen now, would we? Best get busy, to assure that it doesn't....... At least not today.

Did you see me on Dr. Phil yesterday?.........................

Have you ever seen someone that sooo reminded you of you, and not in a good way?

Yesterday, Dr. Phil's show was about couples that are addicted to fighting. His second guest would have been a hit on Jerry Springer. (I think that is the one that has all the real crazies on, isn't it?) Unfortunately, she could have also been my clone as far as fighting style goes. Of course I didn't see the whole thing, but the parts I did see were hysterical! With her husband on one side, and Dr. Phil on the other, she was on fire speaking out on her point of viewNON-STOP, with no regard to what was going on around her. When she would come up for air, Her husband would simply point at her, and make a comment like, "See what I mean," or "now you can understand what I go through." Once, while she was talking, Dr. Phil took hold of her chair and swiveled it around so she was directly facing him. It took her a full thirty seconds to wind down and come back to the moment and stop talking.

While this might have made for entertaining afternoon television viewing, I also found it affirming. After Dr. Phil was able to get her attention, he offered his opinion that a possible reason she may have settled into this style of fighting is because of her past. Having been sexually and physically abused as a child, she made a decision (consiously or sub-consiously) that rather than continue to let people hurt her, she would be the first to push people away. Being brash and obnoxious was a defense mechanism she employed to protect herself. Been there, done that! Of course it isn't working for me........................

Maybe what you normal people out there can learn from this, is it is us, not you, don't take it personally. Ya! Right! That's going to happen. Hard not to take such an in your face personality anything but personally. Okay! Maybe you can continue to love us in spite of our behavior. Kind a like the cute little puppy that keeps relieving themselves on your carpet, and then looks so vunerable you just have to forgive them. This might buy us enough time to deal with the demons of our past. Of course, if times go by, and we are not working towards resolution, we definitely should be moved to the dog house, or any other house for that matter. Because we were abused, does not give us the right to abuse others. Only you can decide when we cross the line, and how much you are willing to deal with. To those of you in my own little circle of the world, I can only hope that you notice that I am trying, have made major progress compared to how I used to be, and understand that I am not there yet. Thank you for hanging in there with me. I love you for it.

May Day, May Day..............................

Translation....................... Help! I've seem to misplaced April! Can it really be May first today?

Must remember to give the dogs their heartworm pills sometime today. They like taking them, so it's all good. Once upon a time, before I was a dog lover, I dog set for a friend and had to get some pills into her dog once a day. That dog was so smart, and so big (Some kind of German Shepard in her. I think she knew I was afraid of her.) I tried everything to hide those pills and get them down her. Out of sheer desperation I finally had my youngest hold her mouth open while I shoved them down her throat. After that was successful, I thought briefly about a career as a lion tamer, but decided my nerves couldn't take it long term.

You might be happy to hear that I am indeed TB free. Our business passed inspection last week, so we will be given a license to continue to care for the elderly for another two years. Our water was too hot, so we needed to dial that down, and there were a couple of bits of paper work that needed polishing, but we were able to write up the plan of correction while the licensing worker was still here and with one more phone call that will all be corrected. I will be the first to admit that paperwork is what I tend to slack on the most. I don't feel it is as important as direct care is, so it is the first thing I let go, and then catch up on. I understand it is important, especially if someone needs to step in for me. I am just pleased that things were simple, and I don't have to worry about looking for a new day job. I am way to happy being at home and being my own boss.

The arrival of May means that in a couple more weeks we should be past the threat of frost, and I can move all of my giant plants out of the house, and onto the patio for their "summer fun in the sun." You have no idea how much extra space this gives us in our bedroom. In the winter I cluster them all in front of our french doors so they will get the most sun they can get. Just about the time I get totally fed up with tripping over them (not to mention watering them and then having a river to clean up) I can move them outside and I fall in love with them all over again. Maybe the next time I get totally fed up with (my) Mister I should trying booting him outside for awhile? What do you think of that idea honey?

The passing of April, means my youngest has turned seventeen, only one more year until she can make legal decisions for herself. After our mad bus chase Saturday past, at six fifteen in the morning, I think it needs to be a busy year if she is going to be ready. Part of the reason we were chasing a school bus cross-country, was that she didn't get up early enough, part of it stemmed from her big heart. Two of the girls on the track team needed rides, so by the time we went across town to pick them up, only to find neither of them at home, we saw the bus leaving town as we were heading to the school so she could board it. I said "There goes your bus." She said Well, Maybe.......... You're right, what are the odds of it being another teams bus at this time of the morning." (Do you think?) But wanted to go to the school and check just in case. I was right, but thanks to the modern invention of the cell phone we were able to call her coach on the bus and then catch up with them well before they made it to the border. Apparently the other girl's mother wasn't so lucky, ended up driving her daughter to the bordering state the meet was being held in, and after doing so, the girl ended up not having a very good running day. Who gave that poor mother my normal luck? I hope the girl didn 't have to listen to the lectures that my daughter got about responsibility, adulthood, and how I am not going to follow her around her entire life cleaning up her messes for her, for the entire four hour trip! Okay! Maybe I went a bit overboard, but I hadn't even had time for a cup of coffee, and the one I had with me kept spilling all over, as each attempted sip magically coinsided with each bump in the road. Trust me, this did not help my mood! Besides, isn't it a mother's job to lecture their kids?

Anyway, ready or not, April is behind us, and May is here. I only hope May last a little longer than April seemed to........ I have a lot of training to do before my races in early June. Enjoy your day, and if you see any May poles..................... Dance away!

We need to talk...................................

Why is it that those four simple words, strung in that particular order, instantly transport many of us staight into intstant anxiety? Is it me, or does most everyone immediately think that the worst is about to happen?

Two days ago, someone said those four little words to me. Instantly my heart leapt into my thoat, my body kicked into the fight or flight reaction, the pit of my stomach registered dred, and I began to shake inside. And, of course, my mind raced straight to "What have I done wrong? Pretty strong reaction for such short words, don't ya think?

Some other things needed attending to before we could have "the talk," and brain spent that time pondering why she tends to leap to conclusions before hearing the facts, without coming to any specific conclusions. And to end your suspense, the subject of "the talk" had nothing to do with anything I had done, but with something I would need to start doing as part of a resident's plan of care. (Sorry no more details..... Can you spell HIPA?...... How about RELIEF, no Rolaids needed this time.)

I kept wondering if others would have as strong of a reaction, so I turned to my resident Guinea Pigs, (my) Mister, and my youngest. I posed the question "What are the worst words I could say to you?" My youngest replied, "If you told me I was ugly." (Hey! She is seventeen, aren't they all into looks at that age?) After a little sidebar chat about loving yourself, and beauty comes from within, I ask her how she feels when someone says, "We have to talk?" Her IMEDIATE response was, "That's ALWAYS horrible news." When I ask her why, she too had no clear reason for her reaction.

Posing a slightly different question "What are the worst words anyone could say to you?" to (my) Mister, his response was, "If someone told me that you were dead." (Okay! Not quite as self-centered, and it is good to know he cares!) When I ask him what he thinks when told "we have to talk," his response was "That we have to talk." Three thoughts 1. He is too literal for his own good. 2. He has become an expert at keeping his emotions well hidden, even from himself. 3. I am a "jump to conclusion nut case" that has worn off on her kids, and he represents the greater population. More than likely, all three hold some validity.

Maybe the whole thing can be chalked up to simple conditioning. I laugh at my dogs, because when they are naughty, and take off out the front door, the way I get them to come back is to get their leashes, and call down the road, "Want to go for a walk?" They come charging back from the corner, happy as clams that they get to go for a walk. I always make sure that when they come, I actually take them for a walk (abet a short one, sometimes just the length of the driveway) so it keeps working for me about ninty percent of the time.

Conditioning? I often eat because it is lunch time, (or someone else is eating) not because I am hungry. I do laundry every day, not because we are out of clothes, but because I hate to see them piling up. I lift weights because it is Tuesday, Thursday, or Saturday, not because I get any great pleasure from it. (Though, I am still hoping to fall in love with it someday.) Maybe this is the same way with hearing the words "we have to tak?"

While I think it is too much to ask that someday I learn to respond like (my) Mister did to those words, I am hopeful, as I continue to work on loving myself, I might make headway with not taking the words so personally. Maybe I can condition myself to think something is wrong, instead of I DID SOMETHING WRONG. That would be progress don't you think?

Introducing Dili.....................................

I created Dili to help me tell stories.

Dili is short for diligent which is defined in the dictionary as:

"Characterized by steady, ernest, and energetic application and effort."

I figured if the stars could get away with some of the names they dream up, why can't I? Remember................. Constructive criticism will only make me a better writer, so please feel free to give me some feedback regarding this piece.

Keep reading to meet Dili................ Enjoy!



THE STUDENT


Dili entered the classroom and proceeded to her usual spot, last table on the left. She had discovered that this was the best place to block out the chaos that had become the norm during class time. Settling her books onto the table she made sure her tape recorder was set to hit record, then dug through her backpack for her stack of note cards. It had become Dili’s habit to study during class; and then weed through the hour and half tape at a later time to get the twenty-five minutes of information the instructor would somehow manage to impart between the giggles and stupid comments of the silly school kids.

None of the others seemed to take school seriously, but then most of them were in their twenties (if that) and didn’t have as much riding on their success as she did. Dili had tried to fit in and make friends, until the day that two of the other students had very blatantly set out to guarantee her failure on a timed exam, by hiding the various bones of the lower leg from her view so she could not identify them. The instructor had watched with blind eyes, and from that moment on Dili kept to herself; her only focus to get through the program, and get on with her life.

Dili had barely finished looking at the first note card when the instructor arrived and class got underway. Today’s topic was about old people. The medical term for that age group was geriatrics. Suppressing a smile Dili thought to herself, “That’s probably what all these young kids think I am, a geriatric.” Some days, she did indeed feel old, but that was usually only when the pressures of life increased to the boiling point. Most of the time she had tons of energy. Dili was sure she could work circles around these kids, confident that they would burn out quickly if they lived her life of eighteen hour days six to seven days a week.

Bringing her attention back to the present, Dili noted that the classroom had become strangely quiet. The instructor was sharing something about her grandfather, and seemed to be having trouble speaking. As the other students looked on, tears began to form in the instructors eyes, and she turned away to face the chalkboard. With no conscious thought, as though she was having an out of body experience, Dili rose from the last table on the left and walked to the front of the room. She gently gathered the instructor into her arms and offered her silent comfort. After about thirty seconds the instructor whispered her thanks and went to the bathroom to compose herself.

Heading back to gather her things, Dili couldn’t help but be proud that she was who she was; someone strong enough to offer support without worrying about how it might be received, or what others may think. Someone who had seen enough personal tragedy to be able to reach out and comfort another. Someone that cared.

As the other students began snickering and making snide comments, Dili could only feel compassion for them; they still had such a long road ahead of them, and so much more to learn. She finished gathering up her things and quietly exited the classroom the same way she had came in, with dignity and grace.

These are more views of the same flower that I posted the other day, and ask if readers could identify it. Just goes to show that everything is simply a matter of pespective!

In case you still don't know what type of flower it is, it's a tulip. 

Tying up some loose ends...................................

About the chocolates...................

While we still have several of them left, the contest is officially over, with not much new to report. The winner is officially John and Kira's. The chocolate from Bissinger's was good, but compared to the other two, was nothing special. In fact several of the pieces had fillings that were so over sweet, that they blocked out not only the taste of the chocolate, but it was also hard to even determine what the filling was. The chocolates from La Masion Du Chocolates, is a very high quality product, and I think it comes down to personal taste as to which one becomes the favorite. I had a friend taste both, and she perfered La Masion. Where they would edge out in front for me, is in the size of the chocolates. Their box is smaller, as are the individual pieces, (And there are more pieces in the box.) making them better for portion control. I also want to tell you, that after the first mention of the taste test, I sent John and Kira an e-mail and told them about my taste compare contest, and gave them my link so they could check it out for themselves. I actually got a response back that refered enough to the blog post that someone had to have read it. I rate this high on customer service, and any company that makes me feel like an individual gets brownie points. Which is a good segway into the next topic........................

I have sent my registration in for the Compassion In Action training, and now I need to find a hotel. Of course it sounds easy to punch in map quest, print out directions, and then click on hotels and there you have it. It NEVER works out that way for me, but eventually I aquired a number to a hotel that appeared to be close to where the conference is happening. I called the hotel to be sure of the location and see if there were rooms available. Someone aswered the phone, and before I had gotten a half of sentence out of my mouth ask if I could hang on a minute. Of course I said yes, so onto hold I went, and five seconds later got a RECORDING TO LEAVE A MESSAGE. You've got to be kidding me. Right? I did not leave a message, and after stewing about this for a bit, I decided to call another hotel that looked fairly close as well. This time the person that answered actually talked to me, but when I ask where they were located in reference to the conference, SHE HAD NO IDEA! Okay! We are not talking Chicago here, but Addison IL. And even if she herself didn't know, don't ya think she could have put me on hold and found out the information? So now I am trying to figure out who I should give my business to, since both places treated me so poorly. If anyone reading this, knows Addison, PLEASE drop me a line and let me know where a good place to stay is. Thanks. And on a more personal note.......... You know who you are.................YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! ( as in "Yes! I WAS thanking YOU for the information.) I am nervous thinking about meeting you in the flesh because of all the great things I had heard about you from our mutual aquaintance. Not to mention the fact that I have set on my butt about getting this training for two years, and you were so promptly pro-active about seeking it out. Don't be surprised if I rub your arm a lot while we are together...... I am hoping that some of your goodness rubs off onto me.

Also on a personal note of sorts....... About commenting....... Those of you that tell me you would have left a comment, but you didn't know how...... Join the club........ I have heard so many tales of bad things happening when you click on something you should not have clicked on. This site is not one of those times. Simply click on "Reader's Thoughts," and that will pull up a window with a box you can type in (under "leave your comments.") Write whatever is on your mind, (I know there is something you are dying to say!....... You NEVER have trouble speaking up when I am driving, or want to pick the movie!) and when you are done, click on the little circle beside anonymous, scroll down until you see the funny blue letters and type those letters in the little box below. Hit the "login in and publish" button, and that is that. NOT scary at all. If you want me to know who you are, you can sign your name, or else use your code name (Like "my other right arm," "(my) Mister," "You know who you are," "Our mutual aquaintance," To keep the rest of the reader's (and myself) guessing. Now, scroll down and practice........................... It won't bite. I promise!

Since telling the universe to back off on bringing me change, things have been a little more calm around here...... I HAVE been able to get my running and work-outs in, and maybe today I will even get those last two windows clean! IT COULD HAPPEN! It is suppose to be in the sixties outside today, and the sun is shining. Sunshine means a new crop of weeds will be peaking their heads out of the ground to get warm, and fight with my flowers for survivial, making it impossible for me to relax in my hammock. (That was purchased as a joint present for Last mother's/father's day present, and used exactly three times since. This year there is talk about a new gas grill. Not all that romantic, but at least I KNOW it will get used!) So much to do......... So little time................ Enjoy checking things off your own personal to do list today!