The (really cool) return of my past.........................

Several days back I was sitting with some thoughts about potential employment. Not as in "what am I going to be doing in six months," but of all the things I will capable/able to do six months from now. One of the thoughts that came into my head was traveling back to home care physical therapy with my friend who has a home care therapy company. The thought came in, I went, "mmmm," and the thought went on and that was that.

Until this past Saturday when this friend called me and ask me to do some visits for him. After saying yes, I thought to myself, "Did my thoughts create my reality? Did I pull this to me by thinking it? Or is he just desperate for help and my ego is having a hey-day with the other thoughts?" I settled on a combination of all three.

After this coming weekend I have no races scheduled so I can use the time I was using to run to help out a friend and take a look at how it feels to work outside my house after being home for so long.

With life being life, it has been about a year since we actually talked, so his next bit of news really knocked me for an exciting loop. He is having his fourth child sometime next month. His youngest of three girls is four, and this child is a boy so that is pretty cool. They found out about the pregnancy on his wife's fortieth birthday so I would say the number four might have some significance in their world, and I am hoping for a fourth of July birth. That is my oldest's birthday and she has always loved it.

Anyway, my friend and his wife have ask me to provide labor support for their birth and I am thrilled beyond belief. It has been around ten years since I last had the privilege to do this. It will be a refreshing change of pace to step out of the life cycle of death and witness the life cycle of birth. Now I just have to brush up on my Lamaze breathing and review the stages and progression of labor and delivery and I will be all set.

Oh! To help me out, please include this couple and baby in your prayers during the last month of pregnancy and that the outcome will be a safe, joyous, healthy birth when the time comes.

The power of now..........................

I know you must all be getting sick of me and my chatter about the changes in my life since discovering Eckhart Tolle. Even I have had a moment or two where I thought I might be off my rocker for taking something so in stride that used to blast me from zero to rage in ten seconds or less. If I am getting too Pollyanna for you I will understand you skipping out on this blog for a while.

With my first disclaimer out of the way, I next have to say that details will be sketchy because my story has to do with a resident and I want to respect the privacy rights.

Okay. I think I am ready to share...

There has been a situation brewing with a resident for a couple of weeks now, that mostly has to do with me being at a point of questioning my ability to care for her from a safety aspect, being that I am a staff of one.

In the last couple of weeks of consciously practicing being present/ in the now, I have caught myself in mind chatter on a regular basis. Yesterday I found this going on about the resident situation. Instead of being in the now I was worrying about the future. Her safety, my potential loss of income, blah, blah, blah. Projecting into a future that had not happen was not helping the situation so I had a very in the now conversation with (my) Mister and told him it was time to share my concerns with the family and see what happen.

I dialed the phone vowing to stay open and present to whatever came up.

Of course I got voicemail... But you know what? I hung up the phone and went and read a book. I didn't revert back to my old habit of ruminating on the problem, and/or potential solutions. In that moment I didn't have a problem, I only had a book to enjoy.

Now for the really cool part...

While I was reading my book, and then taking a bike ride with my youngest a solution presented itself to us. I am not sharing the details, but I will say it is not anything that would have ever occurred to me in a thousand years and yet it appears it is the exact perfect answer for everyone involved. I am amazed, thrilled, and grateful beyond belief.

With results like this how can I NOT be all caught up in the power of now? It is much easier than all the emotional drama I used to call my life, not to mention MUCH less stressful!

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And in my defense for the above post topic, I want to tell you that when I was sitting in the hot tub last night the tiniest, most perfectly shaped leaf fell into the water with me and I was planning on taking a picture of it to share with all of you but I couldn't find it this morning so I had to come up with a new post idea.

If it turns up...

Send money please...............................

If you want to do that in the form of cold hard cash, feel free, but I was thinking more along the lines of positive thinking and ideas to generate money.

My youngest has projected that she needs to get ten thousand dollars in the bank to keep on top of her plan to cash flow college. Currently she is not getting full time hours at her hospice job and this is throwing her plan off a bit. We talked about her getting a second job and decided that there were other ways of making money that didn't require schedule commitments.

She has had a couple of garage sales and made about fifty dollars. HUGE bonus for me, she emptied her room to sell things and I CAN FINALLY SEE THE FLOOR OF HER ROOM for the first time in years! I swear ALL of the pets wander around in her room now with a look of "where am I?" on their faces.

She has put a few things on Craig's list but they haven't moved yet. Does anyone have any great, unusual, ideas that have worked for them in the past to raise money? Yes! It has to be legal! Her goal is to raise an extra $2000.00 and she has raised between three and four hundred of that amount since the middle of May.

When you are throwing up your requests to the Universe throw a few up for my kid that she might get some money tossed her way okay? And if you have any junk you want to send her way to sell, all donations are appreciated.

Speaking of the Universe, you might find this kind of amusing...

Late yesterday afternoon a marking guy for a home health/hospice company came to my door. Being in the middle of making dinner I invite him into the kitchen to give me his pitch, after I warned him that I was more than satisfied with my current home health/hospice team.

He started by telling me about how big his company was and all the awards that had been bestowed upon them. I deflated his balloon by telling him I believed that any company was only as good as the staff at the moment, and this sorta ended his marketing call.

He noticed the dogs and ask how many animals I had. I told him and he replied that his family "was looking for the perfect cat for the girls." I told him it might sound nuts but all he needed to do (if he was serious about wanting one) was to ask the Universe and the perfect cat would come to them. For some reason this prompted the man to ask me what religion I was. I got to say he held it together pretty good when I told him I was spiritual not religious, and believed that God was more loving than to hold a position that there was only one REAL religion/lifestyle (as so many faiths believe) and that the rest of us were all going to hell.

He told me he was raised Catholic, strayed from the church for years, started back with his family, didn't like the priest, found a church with a younger priest, and now he is content (what was I saying about an institution only being as good as it's current staff?) attending with his wife and daughters.

I went on to tell him that I would feel comfortable in any worship service (okay, maybe not if there were sacrifices going on), but I was most happy interacting with God on a one to one basis. Oh! I also told him about my free hospice house that I was waiting for my investor to show up and fund.

As he was leaving he told me I reminded him of his Aunt Dorthy, the one that had like a hundred and ten cats and was SUPER religious. I laughed with him and told him I sensed he would be having some great dinner conversation about our visit. He ended by saying he couldn't wait to check back and see how things were progressing with the hospice house and I concurred.

See, in the end, we found something we had in common.

Notre Dame revisited...............................

This time it was for our (fourth) annual 10K (6.2 miles) race.

I got into town Friday, late afternoon, with plenty of time to pick up our race packets and fix a great pre-race dinner. With both wheat and tomatoes on my do not eat list the girls were more than happy to forgo the normal spaghetti and bread sticks and eat what I was having; fresh green beans, asparagus, and some pasta made from rice and vegetables, dressed with a little oil.

The next morning, as I stumbled my way to the coffee pot a wave of nausea came over me. How strange is that? Stranger still is both of the girls were feeling the same thing. The only thing that seemed the reasonable culprit was the balsamic vinegar I had used on the asparagus. Who knew vinegar could go bad? And what did it matter at that point? We had a race to run.

I really enjoyed the race course this year, for a couple of reasons. First, because I have ran it enough that it is familiar and thus comfortable. Second, working with the homeopathic doctor has really helped my breathing. I didn't wheeze once while running, and was able to control my breathing the entire race. I suppose I should add that I may have had an easier time controlling my breath because each time I tried to push my legs a little faster I got that cold, clammy, followed by chills feeling, that would cause me to drop back to my normal running pace.

I did have a few thoughts about whether or not this would be the race I would receive my DNF (did not finish) status. When these would surface, I would focus on staying in the now, in being present and say things like, "Right now you are running fine. No problems or concerns, right this moment." Which was exactly true. Worrying about feeling sick and whether or not I could keep running (thoughts about an unknown future) were hindering my race. As long as I stayed focused on the actual present time/step, I REALLY didn't have any trouble, and before I knew it I saw the dome and then was running onto the the Notre Dame football field with one more race behind me. My time? 1:08;58. No PR (personal record), but I was very happy with the time as well as the entire experience.

Here is another way to explain why I was able to finish a race that I could have as easily dropped out of, in the words of Eckhart Tolle, from his book, The Power Of Now:

As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease. When you act out of present-moment awareness, whatever you do becomes imbued with a sense of quality, care, and love - even the most simple action.

Enjoy your day!

MAJOR ego breakthrough.................

Before I share, I wanted to give A New Earth, by: Eckhart Tolle one more plug. If you are unhappy about anything in your life, read this book. If there is any lack in your life, read this book. If there are any people in your life you think should change, read this book. If you do read this book and it doesn't speak to you in the first few chapters, put it on the book shelf and it will show up in your life again when you are ready for it.

I started reading the book when Oprah was doing her New Earth Series. I read the first chapter, wasn't that impressed, and put the book down. Having an XM radio I happened on the second lesson talk, that got my interest up enough to compel me to picked the book back up. Going through the next eight weeks I learned lots about ego and about myself, but I can't say I put all of the ideas into practice right away.

About a month and a half ago I discovered that there was going to be a group discussing the book and I decided it might be fun to go through the book again in a group setting and see if it turned up anything I had missed on my own. I was the only "student" to show up, but the two of us went ahead and started talking about the book.

Again, this past Saturday, it was just he and I that came together to discuss how to tame our egos. I am sure that it was total divine intervention that no others showed up because I would not have opened up in a group setting. Not because I have something to hide, or am ashamed of how I am, but simply because I am one of those people that hate it when a person in a group asks a completely personal question. In a group setting I only ask questions that I feel would be beneficial for the entire group to hear, and save the individual questions for a one on one with the instructor.

After discussing our homework from the previous week we moved into the new lesson and before I knew it I was discussing the (eight year) state of my marriage.

As I told the instructor, I am married to a great guy. We agree on all the important things in life. He is loving, supportive, and helpful beyond belief, and there is no one I would rather be with than he. That being said, every single disagreement/fight/argument/conflict/etc... that we have ever had has stemmed from the fact that I don't feel heard by him.

I went on to say that I know without a doubt that the two of us could/would have the world's greatest relationship ever, if he would just validate me by listening. If he would do this for me I know we could then move forward towards bliss. {How many of you have the same one or two points of contention that keep getting rehashed but never resolved in your relationships?}

Being a wise counsel, my instructor ask me where I thought this need stemmed from. This was easy. Childhood. I was never listened to as a kid, and if I tried to have my opinion count it usually resulted in physical punishment. I was looking to my spouse to assist me in healing these childhood wounds.

The instructor then said the most amazing thing:

Your emotional attachment of trying to be heard falls into an attachment to the idea of being felt heard.

So what was behind my need to be heard? Ego, of course! It was as if someone had opened the shades in a darkened room. Way back, all those years ago, my ego grabbed onto the pain of my childhood and replayed it over and over in order to stay in charge of me. If I believe the idea that all we have is an exact moment in time, why was I letting past feelings keep me from living in the moment? What purpose is this serving beyond that of my ego?

Does it change my self-worth if I feel not listened to? Only from an ego perspective. Does it keep me from growing as a person? Again, only if I give into the notions that my ego would have me give into. As I sat in that classroom and tried to find one valid reason why I should have an attachment to another person's behavior being a certain way I became liberated.

Seriously, I am going to do anything I need to do regardless of what anyone else says or doesn't say to me. What was happening is that I was letting my ego be in charge and was fighting for some perceived notions that it was another person's job to fix me, or make me whole, when in actuality I was whole all along.

Since the last class, I have made no requests what-so-ever of (my) Mister (on an interpersonal level that is. I continue to convey day to day messages/requests to him), and I really have felt no need to. I stay focused on being in the now and I think this has caused some confusion for him. Here is an example of a conversation between us since my last class:

(him ~ initiating the conversation) "I can't just sit down and talk to you."

(me ~ reminding myself to stay in the moment of now) "Okay. Then don't worry about sitting down and talking to me."

(him ~ visibly confused by my lack of argument) "But I want to sit down and talk to you."

(me ~ truly feeling I had nothing vested either way) "Okay, then sit down and talk to me."

After a few seconds he walked away, and I went about my business.

My desire is to learn to let go of all of the attachments I have to other people's behaviors towards me and continue to stay in the peace of now. I will keep you informed with how well I progress.

And just in case you want to join in, here is some homework that you can do whether or not you have read the book:

Make a list of what you need to be fulfilled.

Why does the actions (or in-actions) of another person determine my feelings of fulfillment?

Neighborhood Potty............................

As our downstairs bathroom remodel progressed it was time to toss out the old toilet. It was actually loaded into the dumpster when my youngest told me the neighbor down the road told her she was looking for a toilet for her back yard. Since I am all about recycling, we hauled it out and down to her.

The best part of the story is how it came to us in the first place.

When we moved into our house (nineteen years ago) another family moving into our basement at the same time. So they didn't have to come upstairs to use the facilities I wanted to put a toilet and sink downstairs. As luck would have it, the neighbors to the side of us were doing a bathroom remodel at that time and were happy to pass on the old stool, sink, and medicine cabinet (the ones original to their house when it was built twenty years prior) for us to use.

So, now three neighborhood homes are linked by the lineage of a toilet, and we are taking bets to see what happens to the toilet twenty years from now?

Gives a whole new meaning to "flower pot" doesn't it?

Time is a great healer..........................

This past weekend was a joyous, celebratory one for our family. My oldest daughter received her Master's degree from Notre Dame. Twenty-nine and ready to tackle the world!

Unable to find a suitable caregiver for the level of care our current respite resident requires (my) Mister volunteered to miss the festivities, so my youngest and I headed off to South Bend on Friday to attend a banquet for the 20 Master's recipients, a family picnic on Saturday, and the actual graduation Sunday morning. My oldest daughter's dad (and family) joined in for the picnic and graduation activities.

For those of you in the middle of a stressful relationship with an ex/soon to be ex these next words are for you. It does/will get better. When I checked in with (my) Mister on Saturday he ask what I was doing and I (jokingly) replied, "Bonding with my ex over charcoal."

The original plan was that dad be in charge of the grill. Stuck in traffic, we moved on to plan B and started the coals. When they arrived the first of the chicken was on, and the oldest "didn't know how to tell if it was done," so I took over. After the initial hellos, I noticed dad sitting in a lawn chair. Without really thinking about it, I went over, put my hand on his shoulder (maybe should have thought about doing that with the daggers I felt fly out of the eyes of his wife, but what's done is done), and said to him, "~~~ was totally planning on you being in charge of the grill, we just got things started while you finished the drive. Feel free to jump in anytime and take over for me." "Really?" he said, I brought my apron. It's in the car," and he was up and gone to get it in a flash (I REFUSE to comment on the fact that he had to have an apron in the first place, especially since he tied it at his waist instead of over his neck... Trying to be nice here).

So there I am, minding my own business, enjoying the sun along with a little spiked cranberry juice when dad says to me, "We're going to need a hotter fire. Any suggestions?" WOW! It's been over twenty years since the man voiced any need of my opinion or help (NOT that I can say it has been over twenty years since I offered it anyway, but...). Gotta tell you it was a little strange...

And then it wasn't.

Everything sorta shifted, and while not totally normal, it seemed right somehow, fitting that we would be sharing in the preparations and celebrations of our first born. That took center stage as all the bitterness, anger, and pain, took it's rightful place as a distant memory of what once was, but now isn't needed. Though morphed somewhat, we will always be connected to one another through our children, even as they progress through adulthood. What a blessing it is to be able to share in the joy of their accomplishments without the burdens of the past.

So, feeling all proud and happy over my oldest daughter's accomplishments, my wish for all of you out there in a painful relationship is that it not take twenty years for you to find the peace that her father and I seemed to have found with one another.