Tiptoeing towards the tulips
Taking time to stop and enjoy the flowers

Prom was last night, and word has it, a good time was had by all. Poor thing, I always make her pose with my posies cause I think they make the perfect background. I especially love my garden this time of year as the color slowly begins to take over the dreary brown of winter.

A couple of trips to nowhere.........Thank goodness!.................

On my first trail run of the day this morning, I tripped twice. The first time was only a blip on the concern meter, but the second time I was air-born for a good ten seconds; arms and legs flailing, heart leaping, brain panicking, ten seconds, before managing to land on my feet instead of my hand and knees. I was so proud. They say with trail running, that falling is inevitable, but I really hope to postpone the experience for as long as possible. Why do I do this to myself you might be asking by now? The simple answer is that I like the way completing these runs makes me feel. The more I push myself, the more I realize what I am able to do.

As I was reading my hand-me-down copy of Runner's World, I came across the monthly comments of the Penguin (Real name John Bigham) and they explain to a LARGE degree why I run. I am going to copy them for you to read, remember the words are his, they just explain me really well:

"Our running shoes are really erasers. Every step erases a memory of a past failure. Every mile brings us closer to a clean slate. Each footstrike rubs away a word, a look, an event, which led us to believe that success was beyond our grasp.

As it turns out, many penguins weren't running to anything. We were running from bad habits, and bad relationships; from the worst of ourselves in a desperate attempt to find the best of ourselves. Ultimately we discovered that running was the means to that end.
The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.

Known as the Penguin Credo, it captures the spirit of the new breed of runners. For penguins, the miracle is that we found our way to the stating line. Getting to the finish line is simply the frosting on the cake."

Nothing more I can add, except to again plagiarize and end this blog the way he ends his pieces and say "Waddle on."

Full of myself........................

Why? You ask.

Because I am so sure that there are so many of you out there that LIVE for my morning post, and since I have a schedule change, and no time to publish a real post, I wanted to let you know, and also that I will probably have one at some point today, so you didn't worry. (Or shift into withdrawl symptoms.) And you say "It's all about me!" (How very perceptive of you!)

Why do we do that?.............................

A few days ago, I had a conversation with someone that was upset. Seems one of her co-workers called in sick, because she couldn't sleep the night before. The upset person's take on the situation was "I haven't sleep IN THREE YEARS, and I have NEVER called in sick because of it!"

Day before yesterday, a different person was commenting on the same type of thing. She was questioning someone's "poor me" attitude. Wondering out loud why she was able to "Muster on" in the face of adversity, and the other person seemed to receive support to fall apart, letting others take over her responsibilities.

Yesterday, I woke up with an extreamely stiff neck. I had no range of motion to the left without shooting pain, and very limited up and down movement. Regardless of my pain, residents still needed to be washed, dressed, fed, walked, etc... I remember thinking, "Sick day? What's a sick day?" as I was feeling sorry for myself. That is one problem with being your own boss I guess. I also began thinking just what it might take for me to ask for help and stay in bed.

Why is it that some of us have an easier time asking for assistance than others? Why do some of us opt to take care of everything we can, sometimes up to the point of doing so much that our body finally rebels against our efforts and becomes ill? In the midst of our "slaving away" why do we look around us and condemn the choices of others? There has been many times that I voiced jealousy about what I perceived as someones "easy life." What is really going on with these feelings?

The last time I checked, bondage has been out-lawed. No one holds a gun to my head to get me to do the things I do, and make the choices I make. If I really felt the need to have someone stand in for me yesterday, I could have found someone. I really never let that idea be an option. (And....... After yesterday's no excuses blog, I didn't let my stiff neck stop me from running either. I think the jaring motion actually helped to loosen up the muscles a little bit.) Did anybody criticize me for my choices? (If they did, they didn't say it out loud.) Why then, am I so quick to pass judgement on another's choices?

I could give you all kinds of examples in which I felt my needs were not met when I ask for help, and this is why I don't bother now. Pretty much this would just lead back to me being the ultimate control freak....... "Help me! But make darn sure you help me EXACTLY like I want to be helped or it will count against you." And yet isn't it my right to get my needs addressed in a way that fullfills me? Oh right! This is life, not a fairy tale.....................

When I was a child, nothing I did was good enough, and was always criticized. When my kids were growing up, I had to learn that if I ask for their help I needed to either tell them "I wanted the house cleaned Mom's way," (example: take the items off the table to dust, and vacuum under things not just around them.) or shut up about the job they did. I learned to shut up most of the time, and take advantage of special occasions (my birthday, mother's day, and Santa is coming in less than a week, and he doesn't leave presents at dirty houses!)

Not that long ago, (my) Mister was down with back pain. I took care of him, just like I would have liked to be taken care of. (And received no complaints about the service from him by the way.) I remember, when he was getting better, telling him that he should be taking notes in his planner as to what I did for him, as it would make a perfect primer to follow the next time I was sick. Telling that to a friend, her reply was, "My favorite is when I am so sick I can't even lift my head off the pillow and one of my family members comes in and ask when I am going to make dinner!" I don't have it that bad, but it would be nice if my family could figure out that when I am sick in bed I really don't care what kind of fruit and/or veggies they serve. If we are out of toilet paper, Kleenex will do in a pinch, and who's socks are whos can wait until I am feeling better. Can any of you relate to what I am saying? Maybe we should all put our heads together and come up with the top twenty-five things to do or NOT DO (Or two lists with twenty-five things to do AND not do.) when mom isn't feeling well. Maybe later...... Right now someone needs me to do something for them!

Excuses are getting harder to come by...................................

This is the thought that occured to me as I was standing in the line at the bank doing my one-leg squats. Okay! So I probably looked silly, but I'm sure it wasn't the first time, and won't be the last time that I looked silly in public.

After going to the bank, I ran all over trying to find some goo, (the energy stuff that you use when you are doing high milage.) and a sports drink with protien in it. I had no idea it would be that hard to find them, but turns out I was wrong. I finally ended up getting a drink with protein, but no carb, and one with carbs but no protein, and mixing the two together. Why you ask?

I have been reading that your muscles recover faster, and you have less over-all soreness when you have some protein right after you work out. Less soreness is ALWAYS a good thing don't ya think? The protein is suppose to aid in re-building your muscles quicker, and it is the breakdown of the muscles that cause the soreness in the first place.

When I do the trail run in June, I will be running in the morning and in the afternoon. It will be much warmer than the last time I raced, and I don't want to get de-hydrated in the morning, and then be feeling sick for the afternoon run. To avoid this, I have started (last week) doing two runs one day of the week. The plan is to try different things on the trail (and between the morning and afternoon runs ) during practice so I will know what works best come race day. It really tired me out running twice in one day, but the fact that I did it, make me feel good. Right now, I am running pretty slow on the trail, so I have to get my time out their way up to be sure I can handle the distance. Getting back to my first statement...............................

When I finally got back home, finished assisting a resident with his dinner, and getting my running gear around, it was raining. Our the door I went for my sixty minute easy run. Six months ago, a litte rain would have put me comfortably on the couch! What I am finding, is the more I train, the more adverse conditions I over-come. The more adverse conditions I conquer, the less brain looks for reasons not to exercise. This is pretty amazing to me. Trust me, I used to be the queen of good reasons not to exercise. Back when I made the commitment to just get on the treadmill, I was having many a fight with brain over why I couldn't fit in exercise. At each tiny milestone, I was able to show her that "she could too do it!" Having run in the snow, wind, and rain; uphill, downhill, through the valley of the shadow of death. (Hey! It seemed like it at the time!) Having ran fast, slow, and close to three hours straight without stopping, Brain now sees things as "possibly hard, but definitely do-able." You don't know how much time I am saving not having to argue with her about whether or not we are going to exercise. Most days we are finished in a much shorter time than we used to spend just getting ready and out the door, or to the free weights. When I used to hear the Nike slogan, "Just Do It" brain used to mouth back, "Easy for you to say" and launch into her litany of reasons why she couldn't. Now she has a greater understanding of what they are trying to say.

The other interesting thing that has come of not relying on excuses, is that when I do forgo a work-out there isn't a pile of guilt that comes with it. Maybe this is because I have made some headway towards my goal of self-love? I know that part of it is knowing that somedays life is going to get in the way. When (my) Mister was down and out with his back, (Which is doing much better by the way.) I didn't run for a week. It just occured to me that I also didn't beat myself up over that fact. NOT EVEN ONCE! Once upon a time, not running for a week would have meant the beginning of the end of my running. As long as I keep those carrots dangling, (otherswise known as races) I am pretty sure I will keep heading out that door. Not to mention I am getting pretty used to being strong and powerful, two gifts I have received since beginning my quest to improve my physical condition. I get that these gifts are conditional, and will be taken away if I don't keep making deposits into my body. Kind of like those high yeild savings accounts....... The more you put in them, the more you get back......... And, usually, if you drop below a certain amount you stop making any interest on your money. Wouldn't want to see that happen now, would we? Best get busy, to assure that it doesn't....... At least not today.

Did you see me on Dr. Phil yesterday?.........................

Have you ever seen someone that sooo reminded you of you, and not in a good way?

Yesterday, Dr. Phil's show was about couples that are addicted to fighting. His second guest would have been a hit on Jerry Springer. (I think that is the one that has all the real crazies on, isn't it?) Unfortunately, she could have also been my clone as far as fighting style goes. Of course I didn't see the whole thing, but the parts I did see were hysterical! With her husband on one side, and Dr. Phil on the other, she was on fire speaking out on her point of viewNON-STOP, with no regard to what was going on around her. When she would come up for air, Her husband would simply point at her, and make a comment like, "See what I mean," or "now you can understand what I go through." Once, while she was talking, Dr. Phil took hold of her chair and swiveled it around so she was directly facing him. It took her a full thirty seconds to wind down and come back to the moment and stop talking.

While this might have made for entertaining afternoon television viewing, I also found it affirming. After Dr. Phil was able to get her attention, he offered his opinion that a possible reason she may have settled into this style of fighting is because of her past. Having been sexually and physically abused as a child, she made a decision (consiously or sub-consiously) that rather than continue to let people hurt her, she would be the first to push people away. Being brash and obnoxious was a defense mechanism she employed to protect herself. Been there, done that! Of course it isn't working for me........................

Maybe what you normal people out there can learn from this, is it is us, not you, don't take it personally. Ya! Right! That's going to happen. Hard not to take such an in your face personality anything but personally. Okay! Maybe you can continue to love us in spite of our behavior. Kind a like the cute little puppy that keeps relieving themselves on your carpet, and then looks so vunerable you just have to forgive them. This might buy us enough time to deal with the demons of our past. Of course, if times go by, and we are not working towards resolution, we definitely should be moved to the dog house, or any other house for that matter. Because we were abused, does not give us the right to abuse others. Only you can decide when we cross the line, and how much you are willing to deal with. To those of you in my own little circle of the world, I can only hope that you notice that I am trying, have made major progress compared to how I used to be, and understand that I am not there yet. Thank you for hanging in there with me. I love you for it.

May Day, May Day..............................

Translation....................... Help! I've seem to misplaced April! Can it really be May first today?

Must remember to give the dogs their heartworm pills sometime today. They like taking them, so it's all good. Once upon a time, before I was a dog lover, I dog set for a friend and had to get some pills into her dog once a day. That dog was so smart, and so big (Some kind of German Shepard in her. I think she knew I was afraid of her.) I tried everything to hide those pills and get them down her. Out of sheer desperation I finally had my youngest hold her mouth open while I shoved them down her throat. After that was successful, I thought briefly about a career as a lion tamer, but decided my nerves couldn't take it long term.

You might be happy to hear that I am indeed TB free. Our business passed inspection last week, so we will be given a license to continue to care for the elderly for another two years. Our water was too hot, so we needed to dial that down, and there were a couple of bits of paper work that needed polishing, but we were able to write up the plan of correction while the licensing worker was still here and with one more phone call that will all be corrected. I will be the first to admit that paperwork is what I tend to slack on the most. I don't feel it is as important as direct care is, so it is the first thing I let go, and then catch up on. I understand it is important, especially if someone needs to step in for me. I am just pleased that things were simple, and I don't have to worry about looking for a new day job. I am way to happy being at home and being my own boss.

The arrival of May means that in a couple more weeks we should be past the threat of frost, and I can move all of my giant plants out of the house, and onto the patio for their "summer fun in the sun." You have no idea how much extra space this gives us in our bedroom. In the winter I cluster them all in front of our french doors so they will get the most sun they can get. Just about the time I get totally fed up with tripping over them (not to mention watering them and then having a river to clean up) I can move them outside and I fall in love with them all over again. Maybe the next time I get totally fed up with (my) Mister I should trying booting him outside for awhile? What do you think of that idea honey?

The passing of April, means my youngest has turned seventeen, only one more year until she can make legal decisions for herself. After our mad bus chase Saturday past, at six fifteen in the morning, I think it needs to be a busy year if she is going to be ready. Part of the reason we were chasing a school bus cross-country, was that she didn't get up early enough, part of it stemmed from her big heart. Two of the girls on the track team needed rides, so by the time we went across town to pick them up, only to find neither of them at home, we saw the bus leaving town as we were heading to the school so she could board it. I said "There goes your bus." She said Well, Maybe.......... You're right, what are the odds of it being another teams bus at this time of the morning." (Do you think?) But wanted to go to the school and check just in case. I was right, but thanks to the modern invention of the cell phone we were able to call her coach on the bus and then catch up with them well before they made it to the border. Apparently the other girl's mother wasn't so lucky, ended up driving her daughter to the bordering state the meet was being held in, and after doing so, the girl ended up not having a very good running day. Who gave that poor mother my normal luck? I hope the girl didn 't have to listen to the lectures that my daughter got about responsibility, adulthood, and how I am not going to follow her around her entire life cleaning up her messes for her, for the entire four hour trip! Okay! Maybe I went a bit overboard, but I hadn't even had time for a cup of coffee, and the one I had with me kept spilling all over, as each attempted sip magically coinsided with each bump in the road. Trust me, this did not help my mood! Besides, isn't it a mother's job to lecture their kids?

Anyway, ready or not, April is behind us, and May is here. I only hope May last a little longer than April seemed to........ I have a lot of training to do before my races in early June. Enjoy your day, and if you see any May poles..................... Dance away!